There is a new theory about the disproportionate expectations placed on women in heterosexual relationships to act as “relationship maintenance experts.” The theory also examines how important this hermeneutic work is for the success of relationships, but is often underestimated, and how it can lead to women’s dissatisfaction.1
Source: Volkan Olmez / Unsplash
Note: I will highlight some of the ideas in Dr. Anderson’s article, but I strongly encourage you to read the original source.1
In this 2024 YouTube video on hermeneutic work, Dr. Ellie Anderson explains that women in heterosexual relationships tend to be responsible for a deeper kind of emotional work in which they are entrusted with the following tasks:
- “Interpret your own feelings.
- Interpreting the feelings of others.
- “To combine these feelings and present them in a neat and clear package.”2
In the 2023 paper, Dr. Anderson gives the example of how, during a discussion about some aspect of their relationship, both partners are likely to need to manage their emotions (i.e., do emotional labor), but the woman has likely been thinking about her own feelings and those of her partner, trying to interpret them, and figure out how best to express those feelings.1
- Reflection question: How much time and thought do you invest in recognizing your own emotions and those of your partner and interpreting their impact on your relationship?
Dr. Anderson explains: “Hermeneutic work is the laborious activity of understanding and coherently expressing one’s own feelings, desires, intentions, and motivations, recognizing the feelings of others, and finding solutions to relationship problems that arise from interpersonal tensions.” Dr. Anderson describes how Women are often expected to act as “informal therapists for their male partners and for the relationship.” and how this often leads to women feeling powerless and dissatisfied.1
- Reflection question: Have you ever noticed this pattern in your relationship between husband and wife?
Dr. Anderson explains that male partners often set the terms for when and how emotional expression is received, meaning that “they can exert power by withdrawing from conversations with female partners and withholding love and affection.” Dr. Anderson describes how this can lead women in such relationships to ruminate, preoccupy themselves with maintaining the relationship, and can lead to psychological problems such as anxiety and depression.1
- Reflection questions:
- Does trying to interpret your partner’s feelings cause you to ponder and question many aspects of your relationship?
- Have you spent time talking to friends, family and therapists trying to decipher your partner’s feelings?
- Have you felt depressed or stressed because of work?
Dr. Anderson explains: “…social pressure, gender roles and the desire for intimate relationships confuse women in They think that this misfortune is a price they have to payand possibly something that can be overcome by even more hermeneutic work.”1
- Question for reflection: Have you ever thought to yourself, “If I just try harder, I can see through him?”
Hermeneutic work is important and valuable in all relationships.
A first step to coping can be having an open conversation with your partner so you can identify your patterns and what works well and what drains one or both of you emotionally, mentally and/or physically.
It may also be helpful for partners to recognize how they have been conditioned by gender norms to engage or not engage in certain types of thoughtful reflection.
If you recognize yourself in any part of this article, it may be important Treat yourself and your loved ones with kindness. They did not create the gender biases that hamper boys and place excessive emphasis on girls thinking deeply about the thoughts and feelings of others.
Important reading on the topic of emotional labour
We did not create these norms, but we can recreate them in healthier ways.
If you found this interesting, this article from the Washington Post has some additional recommendations.3
