There are few questions I dread more than “Do you have time for a quick call?” My thoughts almost immediately turn to death, disaster, or being fired. And even though I talk to my family and best friend on the phone regularly, an unsolicited call from almost anyone else fills me with irrational fear. It turns out that the creeping dread I feel when my phone rings out of the blue is anything but unusual.
Earlier this year, a report found that a quarter of 18- to 34-year-olds have never answered the phone – not once – with more than half assuming an unexpected call means bad or unwanted news. The survey also found that many Gen Z and Millennials filter calls before texting them. This was the most popular method of communication, followed by social media messaging and the most controversial modern medium, voicemail.
It seems the era of phone calls, when teenagers in the 90s and 00s racked up huge phone bills on their parents’ landlines, is long gone. While calls have been a lifeline for many (myself included) during the pandemic, we seem to have reverted to an overwhelming skepticism towards them – and perhaps a greater reluctance to talk. Shortly after these startling statistics broke, there were reports of a Finnish hairdresser offering a chat-free “silent service” that eliminated the small talk usually associated with a salon visit. This service proved popular with clients seeking a moment of peace, but while the pursuit of peace is all well and good, it begs the question: why are so many of us afraid of a good old-fashioned conversation, especially on the phone?
“Many people are so used to communicating via text and WhatsApp that a phone call is a shock to them,” clinical neuropsychologist Dr Roz Halari tells me. “A message gives us security and control. We can respond to it at any time, whereas a call puts you on edge and requires you to give up a certain amount of control.” Additionally, Halari explains, it can be difficult to understand people on the phone. “You can’t see their facial expressions or body language, so your brain doesn’t get those conversational cues, especially if it’s someone you don’t know very well or haven’t seen in a long time. You don’t really know what they’re thinking except by their tone of voice.”
But as Halari and other experts note, phone calls are very valuable because they can help build stronger connections and improve mood. Hearing the familiar voice of a loved one on the phone can trigger the release of oxytocin (the “love hormone” known for its role in bonding and relationship building) in the brain, something we wouldn’t get from a written message on a screen. Phone calls can also be a great antidote to loneliness; Age UK’s phone befriending service, which matches an older person feeling lonely with a volunteer for a weekly phone conversation, leaves 93 percent of users with an improved sense of wellbeing, according to the charity.
So how can we all rediscover that joy? The key, it seems, is to focus on what is essential. Josh Smith, an expert on the benefits of regular conversation and author of Great chat – a book exploring the benefits of socializing – offers a simple way to overcome anxiety. “A new study from the University of Sussex and the University of Pennsylvania has found that if you suffer from social anxiety and commit to starting a conversation every day for a week, you’ll reduce your anxiety. Keeping that in mind can help you realize that overcoming your phone phobia is entirely within your control,” he says. “Start small by picking up the phone during the day to check in with your partner, parents or roommate. Then call a friend unannounced the next day to chat. Start there and build up. Before you know it, you’ll have the confidence to answer a call from an unknown number or call a colleague to clarify a situation rather than sending a veiled passive-aggressive email.”
Registered psychotherapist Eloise Skinner agrees with this approach, suggesting that we try to re-establish positive pathways so we can begin to associate phone calls with feelings of connection and satisfaction. “They don’t have to be frequent or formal,” she says. “We could start with an occasional call and establish a rhythm of checking in by phone. Once we have strong memories of calls that make us happy, the feeling of receiving a call might change – instead of fear and anxiety, we might feel excitement or a sense of anticipation.”
Over the past few weeks, I’ve made a conscious effort to have more phone conversations. I started chatting with a friend who moved to the US. After a few rounds of phone tennis (I missed hers, she missed mine), we chatted for about half an hour about the ups and downs of our lives: love, work, what we were going to have for lunch. We text each other all the time, but after that relatively short conversation, I felt like we had really hit it off. A few days later, a former colleague called us unexpectedly and we were both bursting into laughter within minutes, even though we hadn’t spoken in months. None of these phone calls were a cause for fear or anxiety, in fact, they were a pleasure, so if you fancy trying it out for yourself sometime, I’ll be waiting on the phone.
