NEW YORK (AP) — Clothing, travel, food, alcohol, flowers: There are endless expenses at a traditional wedding.
Over time, though certainly not always, the bride’s parents have been expected to cover the majority of the costs, but like so many aspects of a wedding, etiquette has become more fluid. The age of couples getting married for the first time is increasing. The parents may also be older and thinking about saving for retirement or already have a steady income.
So who pays and how much?
Now it’s “really an open conversation” between the couple and those who may want to contribute, said Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute and co-host of the podcast “Awesome Etiquette.”
“Often it’s the parents, but that’s not the case for everyone,” she said. “Never assume that anyone else will contribute to your wedding.”
Jove Meyer, a wedding planner and designer in New York, agreed.
“We’ve found that this has definitely changed over the years,” he said. “It’s hard to talk about money, but it’s one of the most important questions couples have to ask themselves.”
Among U.S. users of the wedding planning site The Knot, parents on average contribute just over half of the wedding budget, while the bride and groom cover the rest, said editor Sarah Hanlon.
Age and resources
The age of couples marrying for the first time has been steadily increasing since 1998, for both men and women. The average age for men marrying for the first time was 30.2 last year, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. For women, it was 28.4. In 1947, the average age was 23.7 for men and 20.5 for women.
“As couples marry later in life and are often better off financially, many choose to cover most or even all of the wedding costs themselves. They sometimes accept contributions from their families as a gesture of support rather than an obligation,” says Myka Meier of Beaumont Etiquette in New York.
In other cases, parents may have set up a wedding fund over the years.
How much does a wedding cost?
The average total cost of a non-destination wedding and reception among U.S. users of The Knot last year was $35,000. That’s about $5,000 more than in 2022, likely due to inflation and the general economic situation. The average cost of a non-destination wedding and reception was $41,000. First marriages tend to be more expensive than second marriages.
Meyer said weddings can be far more expensive in places like New York City, where he estimates costs to be over $100,000.
Many young people look for ideas for their wedding on Pinterest, Instagram and TikTok, he said. The problem: Posters show beautiful photos without price tags.
“I think that many couples today – not even their fault – have no idea what a wedding costs,” he said.
Who paid what
In the past, etiquette regarding payment was clearer.
The list for the bride’s side was long: engagement party, wedding planner, invitations, photography, videography, venue, bride’s attire, floral arrangements, decor, wedding cake, most of the reception expenses, and more.
The groom’s responsibilities include: the marriage license and the minister’s fee, corsages and boutonnieres for family members of both sexes, the cost of the rehearsal dinner, and sometimes alcohol for the reception.
All these costs are an open question for many couples today for various reasons.
Gay weddings
Many of the couples who pay for their own weddings, according to Meyer, are same-sex couples and couples where the money donated by parents comes with many undesirable strings attached.
“The people who pay are those with the means and/or those with the most requests. Money is power. With same-sex couples, more and more of them are paying for it themselves. That is certainly the largest number,” he said.
Hanlon of The Knot added, “Today more than ever, couples are throwing out traditional rules of wedding etiquette, especially those that are gender-specific or based on heteronormative relationships.”
Cultural considerations
Etiquette expert Meier pointed out that religious and cultural norms often dictate which family pays for the wedding and how much they spend on it.
When there is no strict etiquette in place, it is becoming increasingly common for expenses to be split between both families and the couple, according to Nick Leighton of the etiquette podcast “Were You Raised by Wolves?”
“Each party contributes the amount it wants,” he said. “That often means each party contributes a different amount, which is entirely reasonable.”
Decision to spend the money on something else
As the bride and groom get older, wedding costs often clash with other expensive wishes, such as buying a house.
And parents who have saved to make their children’s wedding dreams come true are increasingly leaving it to their offspring to decide what the savings will be spent on.
Tammy Mickle, 55, of Holland Patent, New York, is a semi-retired teacher. She works three days a week in the fall. Her husband retired several years ago. Her only child, a 24-year-old daughter, is a school social worker and lives at home while she saves money. She and her boyfriend of about two years recently separated.
The Mickles have been saving money each week for their daughter’s wedding, amassing about $60,000, which is $5,000 less than their daughter earns in a year.
“She’s been looking at houses recently and just the other night she asked, ‘Mom, do you think I could use the money instead of my wedding for a house?’ I said, if that’s what you want to use it for, that’s fine.”
Other parents said they would also let their children decide how to spend the wedding money. Meyer warns that in the long run, the money may not be enough to fulfill their children’s wedding dreams.
“Of course, wealthy people have the means to do what they want,” he said. “We tell everyone that a wedding is not worth going into debt for. You know, it’s a great party, but what else are you looking forward to in your life?”
Leanne Italy, The Associated Press
