Warning: Spoilers about the plot and the ending of The substance.
“There was a slight abuse of substance,” stammers Demi Moore’s Elisabeth Sparkle into a customer service line about halfway through Coralie Fargeat’s The substancea film that revolves around several cases of abuse of the titular substance. Although the film purports to be a satire about body image and misogyny in Hollywood, at its core it’s also about taking medication incorrectly. We’re not just talking about alcohol consumption on a scale that’s as bad as antibiotics (but you’d better not do that!), but full-blown body horror. Some of this abuse is due to the convoluted rule that both the older and younger users of the substance can only be out for seven days at a time before going to sleep to allow their hydration levels(?) to return to normal (just go with it).
While Elisabeth, an aging actress, and her younger, not-quite-as-strong doppelgänger Sue (Margaret Qualley) share the blame for prescription drug abuse, the reason for their reckless mistakes seems to be a matter of etiquette and foresight. Sue first disregards the “seven-day” rule, causing Elisabeth’s body (or fingers, more likely) to age faster than the rest of her body, but then she also treats Elisabeth’s apartment the way a 20-something would: food is left lying around, drinks are spilled, redecorating is done without permission. Elisabeth resents Sue’s party lifestyle and clings to a sedentary, depressing daily routine of bad TV and greasy dinners. Their passive-aggressive breakdown as roommates is no doubt fueled by their relationship to the substance and to each other, but it all could have been avoided. Just in case the substance was out of The substance ever turns out to be real, here is how you should manage it.
One of the most important aspects of sticking together despite being two different people but the same person is a sense of self-sufficient bureaucracy. Living your life separately every other week is a recipe for disaster, unless of course you have some sort of calendar system that accounts for the fact that neither of you has any memory of what the other has done. While Elisabeth sticks Post-its in a paper calendar, it’s clear that Sue neglects any form of calendar organization. Can’t these women come up with a shared calendar?
The best and funniest parts of The substance are when Elisabeth and Sue argue in the way that similar-aged roommates argue: passive-aggressively about neglecting housework. Sure, they’re struggling with the psychosexual nature of being two versions of the same person, but it’s just common sense to make sure the dishes are cleared before bed (you don’t want mice or cockroaches on top of the stress of substance abuse) and to leave the apartment as nice as you found it.
Most apartments—in Los Angeles or elsewhere—don’t have a giant billboard right outside their living room window. I’d argue that very few people want that kind of view, and they actively seek out apartments with either a normal view (of other apartment buildings) or something natural (hills, mountains, ocean, whatever). It would be easy to find a place where someone like Elisabeth, with a front-facing job, wouldn’t have to get upset about seeing her younger self on a billboard every day. She could have even settled for a different kind of billboard, perhaps one for Apple TV+’s Sugar or liquid IV.
The substance is the kind of movie that could be completely ruined if the main character had a best friend who could say, “Girl, you don’t need that stuff!” But Elisabeth is not only struggling with aging, but also with not feeling seenin public or otherwise. A regular date with a friend outside the house to get her away from the TV so she can rant about Sue and her boss would be incredibly therapeutic for someone like her.
Without wanting to offend game shows, perhaps Elisabeth wouldn’t be quite so bored and angry if she watched good shows. Since she has little else to do for weeks other than living off her royalties, she has more than enough time to catch up on old and new prestige TV series. Has she seen them all? The Sopranos? Deadwood? Considering that she is the only person in the world who could have watched every show before the Emmys – even Slow horses! — and instead she watches TV during the day.
If one of you is hot and likes to party, the other could do something like pursue a master’s degree in musicology or sports science. Why not?
A friend told me that Geminis are supernaturally better at handling substance than others. Whether astrology is true or not, the most important rule for substance seems to be that despite having two bodies, it is one person. Even if it seems like it is her If you leave dishes in the sink, it’s your fault!
