Nothing spoils a visit to London more than persistent rain.

And nothing spoils the opening weekend of the Premier League season more than the television commentary.

In the past, English commentators were the gold standard. We were occasionally treated to the presence of Martin Tylerwho has the vocabulary and wit to make any broadcast shine, even when the game doesn’t. His passion was obvious but measured – not the caricature of the “Center holds it… HOLDS IT!” commentary on “The Simpsons”, but certainly enough to capture the moments of brilliance. England should also be a little annoyed that we in the US have heard so much about Ian Darke‘s time.

But tuning into an average game on NBC today – although it should be noted that NBC does not directly employ many of these commentators – is a dull affair, with the commentators seeming bored and dour, as if they were a little bitter that they were being asked to cover Brighton or Wolves rather than Manchester City or Liverpool.

Good English commentators are known for giving the game room to breathe and not filling every second with unnecessary words. But too many of today’s commentators say nothing because they don’t have much to say.

Worst of all, of course, is that English commentators are still at a loss when it comes to the “laws of the game,” video refereeing (VAR) or other referee duties.

To take a glaring, recurring example, commentators might be surprised to learn that the word “shoulder” appears only once in the “Rules of the Game,” in a glossary:

“Attack (on an opponent): Physically challenging an opponent, usually using the shoulder and upper arm (which is held close to the body).”

Then the word “accusation” appears in Rule 12:

“A direct free kick is awarded when a player commits any of the following offences against an opponent in a manner deemed by the referee to be careless, reckless or involving the use of excessive force: Foul.”

And again:

“If the ball is within playing distance, the player can be fairly tackled by an opponent.”

Nowhere in the “Laws of the Game” does it say that as long as a player is in shoulder-to-shoulder contact, everything is OK. Instead, there are two direct restrictions on tackling: the tackling must be fair (in other words, it must not be done carelessly, recklessly, or with excessive force) and the ball must be within playing distance.

No, a player cannot simply knock down an opponent while a pass is in progress, even if the contact is precise from shoulder to shoulder.

No, a player cannot run up from 20 yards away and collide with someone like an NFL defensive back who throws a runner out of the play.

Perhaps these misconceptions would be more forgivable if English commentators did not insist on discussing every refereeing decision on the pitch. They usually do not resolve these discussions, preferring to label a clear decision as a “talking point” so that they do not run out of material to analyse. When commentators are present in the stadium, they can see the whole pitch and analyse tactics, but for some reason they prefer to watch the same replays that we see at home.

If English commentators were to spend any more time discussing such decisions in court, they would have to wear the wigs that lawyers and judges in British courts still often wear.

As on US television, the typical commentator pairing consists of a lead commentator who has not played at a high level and an analyst who has played professionally. These analysts generally have solid playing careers and should have a thorough understanding of what is going through the minds of players during games. They are generally not referees, so why do they spend so much time providing insight into refereeing rather than playing?

It is a pity that this commentary is inferior to the excellent studio shows of NBC, moderated by the polished and quick-witted Rebecca Lowe and it features analysts who offer incisive insights rather than the overblown barroom banter that is all too common on many sports’ studio shows. Going from the studio show to an EPL midfield clash is like being transported from a sunny day in California to a rainy day in one of the run-down English areas that inspired pithy lyrics from great English bands like the Kinks and The Jam.

If only the commentators could hit a note.