DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister’s fiancé recently called off their engagement and she is devastated.
They had been together for five years and their relationship seemed stable. They had spent the last year planning their wedding, sending invitations, making deposits, and spending countless hours preparing for what would become one of the happiest days of their lives.
But out of the blue, her fiancé told her he couldn’t go through with it. He said he didn’t want to feel tied down to anyone for the rest of his life and he needed the freedom to pursue his own interests and ambitions without feeling restricted by a lifelong commitment.
My sister feels betrayed, rejected and deeply hurt.
Not only does she have to deal with the pain of losing a loved one, but also the embarrassment and logistical nightmare of cancelling a wedding. She’s had to inform friends and family, cancel suppliers and try to get deposits back wherever possible, all while managing her grief.
As her sibling, I want to support her in any way I can, but I’m not sure what the best approach is. How can I help my sister through this difficult time?
— Abandoned Sister
DEAR ABANDONED SISTER: Be there for your sister without asking too many questions. Offer to help sort out some logistical details. Help her prepare an explanation that she can share with others if she needs it.
Spend time with her. Be a good listener without judging. Let her vent, cry, scream – whatever happens. Be a safe place for her during this delicate time.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother and I live with our families in different cities, so we don’t see each other often.
Despite the distance, we maintain a close relationship and try to stay in touch regularly by phone and text. We also make an effort to visit each other a few times a year so our children can spend time with their cousins.
Recently, my daughters and I visited the local zoo. To our surprise, we unexpectedly ran into my brother, his wife, and their children. They had apparently come to town for a family outing, and I had no idea they were visiting.
I was stunned and immediately felt overwhelmed with emotions, mainly hurt and disappointment. It felt like he had shut her out on purpose and I couldn’t understand why he chose not to inform me of her visit.
How should I address this situation with my brother? Is it unreasonable for me to feel hurt and disappointed, or am I overreacting?
– Rejected
DEAR SNUBBED: It’s perfectly understandable that you expected your brother to inform you about his visit to town. It’s strange that he didn’t mention it.
Ask him directly why he hasn’t contacted you. Tell him how surprised you were to see him and his family at the zoo. While he has every right to do what he wants, you don’t understand why he hasn’t contacted you.
Ask him if there is something going on between you that you don’t know about. Tell him that you want to understand because seeing this hurts your feelings deeply.
Harriette Cole is a lifestyle designer and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative that helps people achieve their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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