Planning your big day is notoriously overwhelming – and a big part of that is the seemingly endless list of rules and wedding etiquette. So how do we decipher this rulebook? We asked the founder and creative director of luxury event company Sauveur, Matthew Shaw, for his opinion.

“All wedding cultures have numerous traditions and customs, some of which still have a place today and others that we have left behind,” says Matthew. “At Sauveur, we have a strong focus on the people and always encourage couples to do something different and make their day feel unique. This often involves going against the grain and following your own rules.”

Of course, conscientious rebellion isn’t always possible and some headaches are inevitable. We picked Matthew’s brain for all the wedding do’s and don’ts to make the planning process easier for you.

Wedding etiquette: what, when and how

A wedding arranged by Sauveur. (© Bizzy Arnott)

The guest list

Congratulations, you’re engaged! What do you need to do first? Well, it’s time to get tough and decide: who’s in and who’s out?

“The wedding guest list can be a huge source of stress,” says Matthew. “It can be challenging to keep guest numbers down while ensuring no one is left out! This can be made even more complicated if parents are contributing to the budget and expecting to have a say. This needs to be discussed early on so expectations can be set.

“If you want to invite partners of friends you are not close friends with, consider inviting them if they are in a long-term relationship, live together or are engaged,” recommends Matthew. “You should also consider chaperones for guests who may not know anyone there. If you are hesitant about an invitation, my ironclad rule is: invite forwards, not backwards. If you think you will still be friends with someone in five years, you should invite them, and if not, you may want to reconsider.

Is it bad etiquette to have a wedding without children?

“If you don’t want children at your wedding, that’s absolutely fine, it’s your day!” says Matthew. “But there are three etiquette points you should keep in mind to ensure good wedding etiquette.”

“First of all, you need to make that clear in the invitation,” says Matthew. “Then you also need to understand that some friends may not come if they have childcare issues. And finally, you need to stick to the rule and not make exceptions! It would be frustrating if you’d arranged for a babysitter and then when you arrived you found there was another child running around the wedding…”

Make an appointment

“Your save-the-date cards are probably the first time you’ll announce your wedding to your guests,” says Matthew. “You should send them out between six and 12 months before your wedding, depending on when you have that information ready.”

“Don’t feed them little by little!” warns Matthew. “It’s always better to hold back and share as much as you can at once. Remember: if your celebration lasts several days, write them all on the save-the-date card.”

When should I send wedding invitations?

“When you need to send out that invitation depends on how much information you need to share with your guests,” says Matthew. “Traditionally, invitations should be sent out six to eight weeks before the wedding, but our lives have changed and so have our calendars. People are busier and busier and you want to make sure your guests are informed well in advance.

“I usually suggest three to four months in advance, unless you’re planning a wedding abroad, then you might want to do this sooner, or think about a website,” says Matthew. “My advice to couples is to only consider a website if you have enough helpful information to put on it. There’s a tendency to put up lots of photos and information about the couple, which I don’t think is necessary.

Keep your guests updated

“The most important thing is to think through all the information your guests need to know from their perspective and tailor your invitations to that,” suggests Matthew. “Aside from being a lovely first look at your wedding, your invitations are also a means of keeping your guests informed! What you need What you communicate to your guests will depend entirely on your wedding plans. The basics include dress code, dietary requirements and timelines, but you may also need to include accommodation, parking and access to the venue.

“I would always go for too much rather than too little,” says Matthew. “Guests can always ignore information if they don’t need it, but if they don’t have it, they will always end up asking you for it. You can include helpful information on a card or letter that accompanies the invitation. If your guests have all the information they need to plan, they will relax, and that in turn will ensure you get fewer questions when you focus on planning!

“Another approach we often use at Sauveur is a digital letter that contains everything a guest needs to know and which they can respond with when confirming their attendance,” says Matthew. “The ‘RSVP for more information’ option is also a smart way to make sure your guests respond in a timely manner!”

A wedding arranged by Sauveur

Seating plan wedding etiquette

“Creating the wedding seating chart and keeping everyone happy is considered one of the most difficult aspects of wedding planning,” says Matthew. “Everyone’s guest list has its own quirks and considerations that can be difficult to manage. Before I get into the details, I can’t stress enough that you should start early! Take the time to create a few different versions and make adjustments to accommodate any last minute changes.”

Do you need a top table?

“The first big question to ask when it comes to seating is whether to go for the table of honor,” says Matthew. “Traditionally, a table of honor at a wedding has a rigid layout that goes from left to right: maid of honor, father of the groom, mother of the bride, groom, bride, father of the bride, mother of the groom, best man.”

“While this can be an elegant and quick solution for many, it’s also really important to consider the many different formats people can have for families, couples or wedding parties,” recommends Matthew. “These days, most families don’t fit into this rigid scheme, so you can experiment with your seating arrangement and table of honor. The thought of sitting facing across the room can also be off-putting for some. Don’t force yourself into a format just because it’s ‘the right thing’. Approach this in a way that works best for you and your guest list. The first step is to consider whether you want a table of honor in a traditional or customized format, or whether you want to go a completely different route.”

Tradition vs. Modernity

“Whether you choose a table of honour or not, you still need to consider who will sit next to the bride and groom, which always conveys an element of ‘being top’,” says Matthew. “Look at your guest list and consider whether you want to keep it in the family or perhaps stick with your wedding party of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Perhaps you have a best friend who is separated from your other groups, has travelled a long way and should be hosted with the couple.

“It’s important to remember that you’ll probably spend a lot of time moving around during dinner, so you want to make sure that the guests remaining at the table can feed themselves and entertain each other,” says Matthew. “I often find it very successful to give parents on either side their own table to host. This often ensures that they and their guests are happy, and it also gives you more freedom to experiment with the seating arrangement at your main table.”

The overall experience

“Your table of honor should always be considered in the larger context of your overall seating arrangement,” says Matthew. “Whether you’ve chosen round or long tables will play a role here. Both have their pros and cons, although I confess I’m a fan of long tables as they seem more sociable and inclusive. I always recommend that our couples color code their guest list (family, friends, colleagues – whatever works!) and use this to spread people out around the room. It’s great to mix people up, but always make sure they have an ally or acquaintance around them.

“Don’t feel obligated to seat couples next to each other!” adds Matthew. “I also always suggest placing your ‘quieter’ tables in the middle of the room and your potentially louder tables on the edge. The energy will then fill the room instead of dissipating.”

“The list is endless, but your guiding principle in wedding etiquette should always be the guest experience,” recommends Matthew. “Make sure they are informed, comfortable and taken care of, and everyone will go home with the best memories.”

Matthew Shaw is founder and creative director of Sauveur.