Dear Eric: I recently found out that I have a half-sister who lives 15 minutes away from me. I haven’t communicated with her yet.
It looks like she was born about 10 months before my parents got married and was given up for adoption by my dad and this other woman.
I believe this child called and spoke to my parents in the early 80s when he turned 18, but the call was never discussed and my parents changed the home phone number to a new number and removed it from the phone book.
My parents are now over 80. My mother has a pacemaker and my father has Alzheimer’s.
Is it better to wait until my mother dies before trying to reach this relative?
I think if my parents wanted to tell us earlier, they would have. And since my mother is my father’s caregiver, this is not a topic that would be good for her health.
– Newfound sister
Dear sister: Register now.
You may never get a full answer as to why your parents distanced themselves from your half-sister, but their behavior was cruel and you can help mitigate it.
Many people whose lives have been kept secret from their biological families speak about their longing for that connection and the pain that secrecy causes. Be the bridge.
Protect yourself as you would with any stranger. There are a lot of emotions involved here on all sides. But you don’t have to wait.
You cannot change your parents’ behavior and are not responsible for it, but you have the chance to build a new relationship with your half-sister.
Dear Eric: This may be immature, but there is one snub that has bothered me for 70 years.
Irene was my best friend since elementary school. We lived next door to each other and were inseparable. She was outgoing, I was introverted.
Irene’s parents decided not to invite me to their 15th birthday party, to which they had invited several young men, because they feared that my presence might distract attention from Irene.
I was deeply hurt and never spoke to her again.
Years later, when I was married, my father saw Irene standing outside our house, pushing a stroller with twins in it. Irene asked about me, said she would like to talk to me, and gave him her contact information. But I just couldn’t do it. I never called her.
– Still injured friend
Dear friend: What Irene’s parents did to you was unfair and unkind. It’s not immature to still have feelings about it. It’s a deep wound that arose during a particularly sensitive period of your development.
Because this was probably Irene’s parents’ fault and not hers, talking to Irene may have given you some closure or even a little healing.
But it’s OK not to be ready.
However, if it bothers you enough to write to me about it, I think this could be an indication that the wound wants to close.
Take the pressure off Irene’s parents, who made the wrong decision even though they thought it was the best for their daughter. Take the pressure off Irene, who was caught in the crossfire. And, most importantly, take the pressure off yourself.
You didn’t deserve to be rejected. You should have been invited. It doesn’t have to define you anymore.
Dear Eric: I have a future son-in-law who happily accepts gifts, tickets to events and dinners, and dinners out. My problem is that I have never heard a “Thank you, that’s nice of you.”
I’m in a bit of a bind because I really don’t like to wallow in resentment. I also find it difficult to broach this topic without seeming judgemental and I’m also a little afraid that it will be “dismissed”.
There is also a strong aspect that my husband and I are “privileged” and that makes it uncomfortable too. He doesn’t come from a privileged background. We like the guy but we also feel taken advantage of.
– Ungrateful gift giver
Dear gift giver: Being underprivileged doesn’t stop someone from adding “thank you” to their vocabulary. However, you may place a different value on these gifts than they do.
Try to accept that your future son-in-law communicates differently than you.
Once that’s done, tell him how you would have liked to have communicated to strengthen your relationship. This doesn’t necessarily have to be in the form of instructions, but saying, “I feel valued when my achievements are recognized,” can help him understand your side.
Expressions of love are part of life in a family. He may see the nice things you do as just a transaction. But you can give him the means to make you feel loved, too.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
