Jeanne Phillips
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 40s who has recently become disabled. I use a wheelchair. Some days my body works, others it doesn’t. But if I walk a long distance, I get seizures. To anyone not close to me, I look pretty healthy, but I’m not.
About a year after I became disabled, my husband and I had to move in with my father so he could care for me. Dad does all the shopping and errands, and my husband works full time. I rarely leave the house. On days when I’m feeling really good, I go shopping with Dad. He’s over 70, but he has no problem pushing me in my wheelchair.
The problem is that I get dirty looks from other elderly people when they see an old man pushing a seemingly healthy young person. I don’t feel I need to explain why I use a wheelchair. However, it is starting to really annoy me that I get dirty looks the few times a month when I go out.
These people see me on my best days. I hope you can spread the message that some disabilities are invisible and that it’s OK to use a wheelchair when needed. — PUSHED AROUND IN IDAHO
DEAR PUSHED: Some people use handicapped parking spaces, and it’s not surprising that non-disabled people find this annoying. BUT, as you so clearly stated, not everyone’s disability is obvious. Some healthy-looking people have heart problems or balance issues (among other things), so it’s wrong to assume anything about someone you don’t know. If people give you dirty looks because your dad is helping you, just smile and ignore them.
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DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old wife and mother of three children under the age of three. Although I love my husband and children, I have a hard time finding myself and what I love to do. When I wake up, I don’t think about myself and what I need. Instead, I feel guilty and selfish when I think about myself. I have a hard time concentrating on work because I have to take care of the house.
I’m the second oldest of ten children and have had the responsibility of caring for others from a young age. I never thought it would affect me so much. How do I find the balance to make time for myself and my family without feeling guilty? — ALL HANDS FULL OF WORK IN TENNESSEE
DEAR HANDS FULL: Please stop beating yourself up about the feelings you’re experiencing. You’re not the only new mom who has them. You’ve had three children in three years, and some of these feelings could be hormonal. If you haven’t talked to your doctor about it, you should. If you don’t want any more children in the near future, talk to him about it, too.
Since you have spent years caring for your younger siblings, could some of them lend you a hand now? Are there other relatives who could take on the responsibilities you have taken on? As your babies get older, you will have time to explore more options for yourself.
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Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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