Dear Eric: The manager at my workplace does volunteer work for a group that has nothing to do with our work.
The volunteer group works with the court system to help women in recovery from substance abuse obtain community resources.
My colleagues and I hear our manager interacting with other volunteers in the group when they occasionally meet at our workplace: The manager loudly and exuberantly offers support to the other volunteers and promises limitless support to the women in recovery.
The problem is that when the director of a rehabilitation program calls or visits her, she swears under her breath and belittles the women.
Usually the manager comes out to greet the person anyway, making a huge show of it, promising further help and support but never seems to follow through.
This is heartbreaking for me and my colleagues, but it is entirely consistent with the everyday treatment of us workers by the manager.
One of my colleagues is close to a volunteer in the rehabilitation program. Should he tell her how the manager really reacts to the women?
– Information about volunteering
Ladies and Gentlemen Not all help is good help. If this manager is so open about her dislike for the people she claims to be helping, then it certainly shows in her volunteer work and has a negative impact on the women in recovery.
Your colleague should share your perspective with the volunteer group. If they’re any good, they’ll want to know. And if they don’t care, you’ll understand why the manager was attracted to them in the first place.
Dear Eric: My parents have a beautiful beach house by the sea. I am a middle-aged woman and single mother of two children with no child support payments.
I would love for families to come and enjoy the beach with us, but I don’t want to incur the additional costs of being a host.
Even though I have a great career and a great job, I use the summer months to save up for expensive winter oil bills and the kids’ sports throughout the year, so even serving hot dogs and hamburgers weekend after weekend is too expensive for me.
I need help writing an invitation that politely asks people to bring their own food/drinks without sounding stingy. I’m happy to provide the ice cream! Can you help?
– All alone on the beach
Dear Beach: I think politeness and directness are closely related, so they may not be as easy to manage as you would like. But here are two options:
“We would love to serve and feed everyone, but with so many guests it’s not possible. So please bring what you and your children would like to eat and drink. Don’t worry, we have enough space in the fridge and freezer. And I’ll provide the ice cream!”
Or go the Airbnb-style logistical route. List what amenities people can expect (bedding perhaps, toilet paper, etc.) and create a “don’t forget” list that includes things like sunscreen, favorite board games, and food and drink for the weekend.
Don’t worry: you don’t sound stingy. You’re giving them a whole house. You should pay for your meals.
Dear Eric: Ten years ago, my partner and I moved to a new community and became friends with a neighbor whose initial friendliness impressed us greatly. The neighbor found out about my unemployment and generously arranged for me to get a job at his company.
In the professional environment, however, he literally transformed into a Jekyll and Hyde type, developing a manipulative, devious and reliably malicious personality. His tirades regularly brought his colleagues to tears.
After a decade of being subjected to his tyranny, I took a job with another company and soon retired to another state.
Since then, he has contacted me regularly and told me that he misses us as neighbors and would like to visit us.
Although working for his company gave us the financial opportunity to make plans for the future that were previously beyond our means, I lack the ability to place gratitude above the memories of the emotional abuse he subjected my colleagues and me to.
My partner thinks I can put up with anything for a few days. Am I wrong if I see it differently?
– Conflict-ridden reunion
Dear reunion: You’ve tolerated him for a decade; don’t spend another second with him.
You are grateful for his help in finding a job, you did the work yourself in this job and therefore the payment is not a neighborly favor. This transaction is complete.
I can’t help but think that his taunts about a visit are also part of that Mr. Hyde side that he has. I mean, it makes you feel bad, doesn’t it? That’s what bullies do.
You can tell him, “You were a jerk at work and that’s why we can’t be friends,” or you can just say no and move on. It’s probably better to let a sleeping Hyde rest.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
