Trigger warning: If you are less aggressive, this article may not be for you.

I saw the greatest surf movie in the universe (hereinafter “TGSMITU”), alone and in a completely empty cinema (although I still plan to watch the La Paloma screening this Saturday night and hand out free hugs).

Lest this description sound a little like Paul Reubens, the circumstances of my decision to watch this film alone must first be put into context before I get into the content of my review. Trigger warning: If you dislike Weener, this article may not be for you.

I came out of the water this morning after a pretty crappy surf and was approached by a shockingly pissed off Pier Bowl hobo while I was changing with only a towel around my waist. This gentleman presented me with a half-eaten bag of beef jerky and told me that he had bought the whole thing for $12 but would sell it to me for $5.

Not in the mood for fentanyl-laced jerky or $5 USD (that’s about $30 Australian dollars for you idiots), I replied that I didn’t have any cash and prepared myself for the possibility that I would have to either back away or defend myself with my penis dangling if my reaction freaked this guy out (my plan was to throw the towel at his head in that case). His eyes narrowed menacingly, he took a small, aggressive step toward me, faked a laugh, and continued walking.

Given my near encounter with a naked fight and my weekend plans to watch a movie where penises play a major role (e.g. TGSMITU), it occurred to me that there have been some pretty epic penis fights in film history. The Viking film The Norse springs to mind as the most recent example, although I was disappointed to learn that Alexander Skarsgard’s pig was never actually filmed and said appendage was added in retrospect via CGI (I would definitely put “CGI for penises” as a skill on my resume if I were part of that special effects team). Deadly Promises is a film in which Viggo Mortensen (aka Aragorn) fights naked in a shower, with a very real, non-CGI penis on prominent display. On the comedy side, Ken Jeong’s humble appearance is used rather rudely in a fight scene in The Hangover.

However, after watching TGSMITU, I can safely say that this film raised the bar for cinematic mid-fight scenes to a level never seen before. More on that later.

Back to my morning: Although I had already made plans to see TGSMITU the next night in Encinitas, I couldn’t help but wonder how widely this film was distributed in the U.S. To my surprise, not only was TGSMITU playing at the AMC theaters on the block in Orange, but the first showing was starting in about an hour at 10:10 a.m. I couldn’t pass up this opportunity.

Although I expected the theater to be packed with dozens of passionate Brazilian surf fans, I was the only one in the entire theater. That being said (spoiler alert!) there isn’t a single Brazzo in TGSMITU, so it’s no wonder they didn’t show up, even though they made up half of the California fans who have attended every WSL Lowers Finals Day since this stupid format was introduced. Pedro Scooby and/or Ricardo Toledo clearly had a hand in this boycott.

And even though I was all alone, watching a surf movie like a miserable, lonely hermit, I still enjoyed TGSMITU immensely. The stop motion animation came across much better than I expected. The dubbing of the surfers was extremely sharp and cleverly edited, which made for great comedic effect. Most importantly, there was only about 10 minutes of actual surfing in the film, which taught me something about a feature-length surf movie that lasts over an hour – an endless string of clips gets very boring very quickly.

Perhaps the crowning glory of TGSMITU, however, is the weener fight at the film’s climax. In this case, it’s not just a stop-motion animation of naked puppets fighting each other – the weeners themselves are the weapons. The fight choreography in this regard is also martial, considering that a weener could be used as a weapon for self-defense. There are weener thrusts, weener punches, and weener parries that might otherwise be confused with a machete fight. And while most real weeners would obviously be incapable of such violence, it made me seriously consider getting a sturdy dildo for home defense.

The Hobbit Hemsworth is also delightful as a narrator and clearly enjoys his dry manner. Even Joe Turpel’s otherwise annoying voice is cleverly used in a comedic context. To be honest, I don’t think I laughed as much as I did when I sat all alone watching breakdancing at the Olympics last week.

Is this a film that a non-surfer would find funny or even remotely understand? Certainly not. Is this a film that a casual surfer unfamiliar with the WSL and the world of professional surfing would appreciate? Not really. But would the average, sub-par BeachGrit resident enjoy this film? Absolutely.

Most importantly, TGSMITU is a surf film that you absolutely have to see in the cinema, whether you are sitting there alone or in a packed cinema with grown men who insist on handing out free hugs.

Whatever the case, just don’t expect the Brazzos to show up.