The many cracks in Serby’s crystal ball have finally been patched up and with the help of an artificial intelligence – not Allen Iverson – it is clear how the road to the Super Bowl in New Orleans will go:
AFC Wild Card
Texas defeats Bills
CJ Stroud sends the Bills Mafia squad traveling to Houston into a panic with a 75-yard pass to Stefon Diggs on the first play of the game. Will Anderson Jr. chases Josh Allen and Tyler Bass misses wide right again. Stroud proves he’s no one-hit wonder by throwing another touchdown pass to Nico Collins and earning his second playoff win at home.
Jets beat Bengals
What an atmosphere! For Joe Benigno, the 22-year wait for a home playoff game is over when he hoists Connie Scouts onto his shoulders and repeatedly yells “JETS JETS JETS JETS!” Benigno surprises the fans in his section by correctly predicting virtually every play, and only later does he admit to Jets reporter Caroline Hendershot that Robert Saleh had texted him the game plan. Tyron Smith neutralizes Trey Hendrickson, Aaron Rodgers throws two touchdown passes to Garrett Wilson, and Haason Reddick, fresh off his training camp break, sacks Joe Burrow three times. Woody Johnson announces four-year contract extensions for Saleh and GM Joe Douglas.
Jaguars beat Ravens
Lamar Jackson’s playoff demons resurface before a stunned M&T Bank Stadium crowd as Devin Lloyd shadows Derrick Henry, Trevor Lawrence tackles rookie Brian Thomas Jr. and Evan Engram, and Travis Etienne does the rest.
NFC Wildcard
49ers defeat Cowboys
Jerry Jones is furious and can’t take it anymore. After Christian McCaffrey goes berserk and Nick Bosa and Leonard Floyd smother Dak Prescott, he fires Mike McCarthy. According to sources, he has approached Bill Belichick about being his next coach.
Rams defeat Eagles
Saquon Barkley goes wild early, but without Jason Kelce, Jalen Hurts is stoned after an early tush push, and Matthew Stafford tears up Vic Fangio’s secondary with touchdown passes to Puka Nacua and Cooper Kupp. And after Linc fans display uncharacteristic vitriol, Jeffrey Lurie fires Nick Sirianni as sources report he has asked Belichick to be his next coach. Local media immediately labels Belichick as Philadelphia’s most eligible bachelor.
Packers beat Falcons
Xavier McKinney lines up a pass from Kirk Cousins to Drake London for a 99-yard pick-six, and a flawless Jordan Love throws touchdown passes to Christian Watson and Romeo Doubs while Josh Jacobs rushes for over 100 yards.
AFC Divisional Round
Chiefs beat Jaguars
Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce complete a behind-the-back touchdown pass, after which Taylor Swift gives the topless Jason Kelce a high five in her Arrowhead suite.
Jets beat Texans
Sauce Gardner holds Collins and DJ Reed holds Diggs and intercepts Stroud twice, while Breece Hall runs for 150 yards and two touchdowns, one of them on a Rodgers checkdown.
NFC Divisional Round
Lions beat Rams
A playoff rematch at Ford Field from last year. Stafford starts off fast with touchdown passes to Nacua and Kupp, but Jared Goff, targeting Amon-Ra St. Brown and Sam LaPorta early and often, has the fans chanting his name again.
49ers beat Packers
Packers DC Jeff Hafley briefly coached Kyle Shanahan, but dealing with Brock Purdy throwing to Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk and George Kittle and defending McCaffrey on the ground is going too far.
AFC Championship Match
Chiefs beat Jets
Joe Namath stands on the visitors’ sideline in one of his old fur coats, showing his support in minus 20 degree weather. It was the Chiefs who ruined Namath’s chance to repeat in the Super Bowl, and he hasn’t forgotten it. With 60 minutes to go before Andy Reid and Mahomes’ chance at a historic triple win, Broadway convinces Joe Rodgers to swap the Ayahuasca for Johnnie Walker Red and guarantee the win. Mahomes immediately responds with a touchdown hit to Kelce and a bomb throw to rookie Xavier Worthy, and the imposing presence of Chris Jones sends Joe Tippmann wild. Rodgers announces that he will decide whether to play again after his return from Egypt sometime in June.
NFC Championship Game
Lions defeat 49ers
Dan Campbell let the Niners get away with overly aggressive decisions in the last NFC Championship game, but not this time. Goff makes his mark early with an 80-yard touchdown pass to Jameson Williams and a 50-yard touchdown pass to St. Brown, as well as a checkdown touchdown pass to Jahmyr Gibbs to counter Purdy’s touchdown passes to Samuel, Kittle and McCaffrey. But Campbell opts for FGs on fourth-and-2 and fourth-and-3 to take the lead. Aidan Hutchinson is neutralized by Trent Williams, but his sack late in the fourth quarter results in the Lions players carrying Campbell off the field. Motown celebrates its first Super Bowl.
Super Bowl 2025
Chiefs beat Lions
Someone is going to make history: A three-peat victory by the Chiefs or the Lions’ first Super Bowl title. Campbell counters Swift’s presence by lining up Eminem, Diana Ross, Jack White and Big Sean in the owner’s suite. Goff is prepared for virtually anything Steve Spagnuolo throws at him, but Lions DC Aaron Glenn nearly takes Kelce out of the way with 6’5 LB Jack Campbell shadowing him and S Brian Branch serving as a diversion. It’s the second consecutive overtime Super Bowl!
And Mahomes is the last one to have the ball. Mahomes to Kelce, touchdown. Swag surfing in the Taylor Swift suite. Third win in a row.
Chiefs 33, Lions 30
