One of our favorite newsletters – along with Long Live, À La Carte, Hung Up and of course Big Salad 😉 – is Bess Kalb’s Grudge Report. She writes about fashion, movies, Judaism, politics and raising her two young children, and her topics always make me laugh and think.

With that in mind, here are some work emails Bess and her toddler exchanged over dinner…

Hello, Goof!
I’ll just come back to see if we’re ready for 6 p.m. with pesto pasta.
Thanks!
mama

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Ahh, sorry – I’m just seeing this. Since it’s so close to the meeting, I should probably go ahead and reset it.
Excuse me. Have a nice night.
Mistake

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Actually everything is fine if you are still available!
Pesto is always ready and waiting for you. Should I carry you to the chair or can you walk?
M

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Hello mum,
Let’s be honest: Is there kale in pesto?
Let me know.
G

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Hello G!
I can definitely check that for you, but in the meantime, for simplicity’s sake, can you just get started?
M

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I’ll wait while you send the confirmation.

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Hey, Goofy,
OK. Good news and bad news: The good news is that I’ve heard the pesto is the best yet. People are excited (including Dad, I don’t want to brag about names here) and I’m so glad the stars aligned and we were able to get you and the pasta in the same room. As for the kale, it’s looking like a yes. Regardless, we all think that strategically, from a bigger picture perspective (growth/digestion/etc.), it’s definitely the right move.
We confirm that you can eat the pesto at 6.15 p.m. because you have time to swim at 6.30 p.m.

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Hey!
I understand you completely. Unfortunately, I think it just won’t work out after taking care of some personal things and I hate doing that, but I probably won’t make it at 6:30pm either. Send my apologies to Bath!
Preferably,
Mistake

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Hello Goof,
I’m so sorry to hear about the personal conflict! I hope everything is OK! We’re thinking of you. I heard that the meeting is unfortunately not flexible. And unfortunately neither is the bathing because it is reserved for (again – usually not so nameless!) the baby at 6:45 p.m.
Newsflash: I’ve learned we can do an episode of Bluey on the iPad at 6.15pm if that changes anything, but (sorry – they were really stuck on this) you have to be eating to watch it.
Thanks,
mama

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Oh – that changes things. Two episodes possible?
G

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Great!! Unfortunately there is only one as the bathroom was later booked twice.
Excuse me!
mama

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K
-blunder

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Amazing! Have a nice night!!

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To you too.
See you at 3am

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See you then!!!!

Bess Kalb is an Emmy-nominated comedy writer and author of the bestselling children’s book Buffalo Fluffalo. She has also written about her son’s graduation speech at preschool commencement, common toddler illnesses, and things she forgot to pack for her child’s first day of school in her Substack newsletter The Grudge Report.

PS: Joanna’s funny notes for kids and how to get kids to eat vegetables.

(Photo by Giorgio Magini/Stocksy.)