Who the hell was debating Tim Walz last night?

I understand he was introduced as “Vice Presidential Candidate JD Vance,” and on stage I saw the familiar shaggy face and guyliner of the ex-singer of an Appalachian emo family reunion, standing next to the governor of Minnesota.

But this JD Vance bore little resemblance to Donald Trump’s bumbling vice president, who always looks like he’s had itching powder snuck up his shirt. He also didn’t look like the author of a few years ago, who spoke sensitively about the people he had offended in his bestseller Hillbilly Elegy. Nor was he the nerdy Peter Thiel acolyte who lamented the coming matrifelinocracy and worshiped its oracle Taylor Swift.

The JD Vance who showed up at last night’s vice presidential debate was none of those people, all of them: the bright young guy, the steely-eyed venture capitalist, the tech bro, the law school graduate, the acclaimed author, a kid from the Barefoot Appalachian and now the man least equipped to serve as Trump’s political assassin. The JD Vance I saw last night was something new, a bespoke creation for a single evening. Replacement Vance.

Tim Walz, on the other hand, was just like the Tim Walz I’ve seen since he made that silly video with his teenage daughter at the Minnesota State Fair. I expected and got a half human/half labradoodle person. And Walz played his role well, raising his eyebrows and bugging out his eyes when the occasion called for it. While Goofy Tim could have substance, and he pulled it off really well, I felt like the guy I was watching was the guy I was seeing been If you watch, someone will probably help you move your sofa and even pick you up a few PBRs when the job is done.

Not so much for JD Vance, who has felt unsuited to this moment since he first stepped onto Mar-a-Lago’s musky carpets. On paper, his choice as Trump’s vice presidential running mate makes sense. Prodigy champion of the white underclass. The kid on the fast track, first to Harvard Law, then to Silicon Valley, and finally back to Ohio to run for office, and now to Washington DC. The boy who did good. He has been there and done that without his efforts leaving any mark on anyone.

CBS

The question on my mind as I watched last night’s debate was, “Which JD Vance will show up?” As it turned out, all of them and none of them. What I saw was a sympathetic, totally conservative approach to nonsensical platitudes about “Donald Trump’s common sense economics,” which is another way of saying, “Trust me, bro.” However, I don’t trust Donald Trump enough have common sense to fold laundry after it comes out of the dryer. I don’t trust Donald Trump to do that at all knowledge How to Fold Laundry And I certainly don’t trust anyone who would carry this man’s water.

We’ve heard in the press that Trump has become something of a surrogate father to JD Vance. And that, unfortunately, makes a lot of sense for the child from Ohio whose father gave him up for adoption and whose stepfather divorced his mother when he was young. I’m not trying to psychoanalyze the guy, but to a layman like me it kind of makes sense for Vance to align himself with a powerful older man who shows promise, even if he once referred to that man as “America’s Hitler.” And it makes sense that he would contort himself in the ways he felt necessary to keep this man’s love.

Do you remember Game of Thrones? The young warrior Theon is captured, tortured and broken by House Bolton. He becomes Reek, the pet of the powerful Ramsay Snow. Eventually he loses all self-confidence and lives only to please Ramsay. As I watched Vance dodge questions about immigration crackdowns and blandly lie about Trump’s economic record, I realized: JD Vance is Reek.

HBO

Don’t get me wrong – I thought the Senator performed well last night, as did Governor Walz. Both were personable, relatively dignified, and both did their best to answer the moderator’s questions without trashing each other. Both men behaved well, but only one of them seemed to change before our eyes. Only one seemed to stink like hell.

I’m tempted to say that the JD Vance we saw last night – measured and pleasant – is the real JD Vance. But why should I come to that conclusion? Because I’ve also seen angry JD Vance, haughty JD Vance, and condescending and combative JD Vances. I saw JD Vance make up lies and then double down on the lies. I have seen him attack childless women for no reason. I saw him pretending to be a dog owner. The only conclusion I can come to is that JD Vance will be who you want him to be because beneath the apple’s surface is a hollowed out core. Just beneath the surface of JD Vance lies Reek.

Gaelen Morse/Reuters

Others will talk about his inability to answer the debate’s easiest question: “Did Donald Trump lose the 2020 election?” He couldn’t do it. Because answering that question honestly – and, make no mistake, he knows the answer – would mean incurring his master’s wrath, and that’s the one thing Reek can’t do. Because the thing about JD Vance, just like Reek, is that it was him captured.

The reason we have a bad feeling about JD Vance isn’t because he sometimes seems awkward in front of the cameras. This is because the camera reveals something that may not be visible to the naked eye; The reason he feels uncomfortable is whoever JD Vance is needed His is long gone. Whoever replaced him is basically nobody. He’s Reek.

I was grateful for the civil debate last night. Thankful for the lack of name calling. I thought everyone did a good job. Hopefully they would let Reek sleep in a big boy bed as a reward.

That being said, I doubt anyone has changed their mind one way or the other. Both candidates held their own, but only one of them showed himself to be a completely different type of guy than the guy who walks around the donut shops, unsure if he doesn’t have a master to keep him on a leash.

Maybe the guy we saw last night is actually closer to what JD Vance actually is, or maybe he was just trained to make us believe that’s the case. Regardless, I left last night wishing that JD Vance was less in bondage to his Great Replacement Theory brethren and more in touch with people who loved him for whoever he was. Whoever this guy once was is gone. Now he’s just Reek.