Q: I’m recently single and want to explore my sexuality after years of dating men. For a long time I thought I was attracted to women, but I don’t really know how I identify and am scared to try queer dating since I have no experience. Do I need to say I’m queer or bisexual or pan if I don’t really know yet? Do I need to mention on dates that I’ve never done this before? SOS! — Sam*

A: Hi, Sam! First of all, congratulations on making it this far. It takes courage to recognize something about yourself that is scary or unfamiliar and have the courage to say it out loud. Compulsory heterosexuality is pervasive in the culture—allow me to refer you to the viral lesbian master doc for more information on this—so even saying you want to explore possibilities outside of that binary is meaningful. I’m happy for you.

When I first decided to date women—after years of thinking I might be bisexual and not wanting to do anything about it—I was terrified. I thought about every detail, from how openly I should be on apps about my lack of experience to what “right” I had to date queer people when I wasn’t even sure I was one myself. (I want to be clear that you belong in queer spaces even if you don’t know where you are on the spectrum. I wish I had believed that back then!)

The simplest answer to your question is that you don’t *have* to do anything except what feels right. If you want to open up your dating apps to people other than men, then go for it—you don’t owe anyone a label or an explanation. If it would calm your nerves to share that you’re new to it, by all means go for it, but it’s also OK if you’d rather keep that information to yourself.

A crucial part of exploration is giving yourself the space and freedom to figure things out.

I’d also encourage you not to think too far ahead here. A crucial part of exploration is giving yourself the space and freedom to figure things out, and you probably won’t know how you feel comfortable identifying (or if you even want a label) until you allow your queerness to take shape. Try going on a date and seeing how you feel, but also realize that you won’t have it all figured out after your first queer date or kiss or flirt.

This is also a good time to lean on LGBTQ+ friends to cheer you on and ask them to come with you to queer places where you can meet new people. My friends were very supportive when I was just dating women and stressing about it, and they played a central role in helping me find myself. (In the meantime, I’ve made my bisexuality my entire persona online. Three cheers for growth!)

No matter how you go about it, be okay to be nervous, excited, and imperfect (that sounded like a Taylor Swift lyric unintentionally). It’s a part of dating and life. As long as you approach it with thought and sincerity, I think you’ll be fine.

*Name has been changed.

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