Hello Jake,

My husband and I started dating about five months ago. I’m completely new to this, so I’m still figuring some things out. Here’s my question… When I’m out and about looking to flirt, should I take off my wedding ring? It seems like it can be a turn-off for some men. On the other hand, if I take it off, I feel like I’m hiding something or somehow being disrespectful to my husband. How should I deal with this?

Raise the alarm

How about we take this to the next level?

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Darling raise the alarm,

Having a loving marriage and still having something to do with other people from time to time may sound strange to some (i.e. heterosexuals), but for many homosexual couples it is completely normal.

When one sees a heterosexual person wearing a wedding ring, one usually assumes that person is off limits, especially in the bedroom. However, in a homosexual relationship, there is often more flexibility, and the strong attachment to another person may have nothing to do with how a couple meets their sexual needs.

Sure, wearing a ring on your ring finger at a gay resort, a queer event, or even at the gym can signal, “I’m not open to dating or a romantic relationship,” but it certainly doesn’t always mean, “I’m not open to a little sex.”

When couples are open and honest with each other and agree on the rules of their relationship, there is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s perfectly fine to keep your ring on while flirting with another guy at a party.

However, if you really feel like it’s a hindrance (which it shouldn’t be if someone is just looking for a flirt and not necessarily a friend or romance), it’s your right to take the ring off, but I’d suggest talking to your husband about it first. If you do it secretly, you might feel guilty or like you’re hiding something. Being insincere never feels good.

As queer people, we can define what marriage means to us, just as we can determine the meaning of our traditions, including wearing a ring. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide when to take your ring off, but I would suggest presenting yourself as authentically as possible. If you mislead someone who is interested in more than just sex, that could become a problem.

Being honest about who you are…that just rings true.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and licensed marriage and family therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email (email protected)or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.