This is not a movie review. This is a warning. There is nothing worth watching in this movie. If you are a huge fan of Bill Skarsgård, do yourself a favor and watch Boy Kills World. (Streaming on YouTube | Amazon for $5.99).
Spoilers follow because… Why not. If you haven’t seen this movie, you won’t after reading this review. Right? I’ll be the first to admit that I could be wrong. But I can’t possibly The wrong. Even if I’m completely wrong in my assessment of this movie, it would still be absolute crap. Saying this movie is crap would be like a weatherman predicting that it will rain tomorrow when a hurricane makes landfall.
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I tried. I really tried.
I am a big fan of The Crow 1994. This film is a masterpiece. Amazingly, a largely unknown cast and crew came together to create a masterpiece. I went into this film wanting to like it. There have been numerous remakes of The Crowwhich were all complete flops. I was hoping it would be different this time, and for the first 30-40 minutes I was hopeful. The remake tries to tell the story in a different way. We meet Eric and Shelly before they meet each other, whereas in the 1994 version we meet the couple on their wedding night. Everything was promising up until the moment Eric and Shelly die. From then on the story just went off the rails.
The opera action scene
One of the most ridiculous action scenes I’ve ever seen takes place in the foyer of an opera house while the opera is playing. It went on forever and didn’t have a shred of drama. Also, the action wasn’t really good. OK, Eric shooting himself in the chest to kill the guy on his back was pretty cool. But everything else was just action for the sake of action. The biggest problem with the whole scene is that none of the guys he killed actually bad boys. They’re just working security. I mean, they’re working for a bad person, but that doesn’t mean these guys are evil and deserve to die. They’re just getting their paycheck. But they become action fodder. And that’s completely unrealistic. After Eric kills the first half dozen security guys, I’m supposed to believe that the next dozen are ready to kill someone who’s already been shot over 100 times. That’s stupid. Write better scenes, guys.
Enya? Seriously?
The music for the The Crow 1994 is fantastic. Every song fits perfectly. I am not a fan of heavy music at all. But it works great in The Crow 1994. The music in this film is completely forgettable. That is with one exception. In the scene of the film where Eric paints his face, we hear a remix of Enya (Boadicea). When I heard it, I seriously thought, “No. They wouldn’t. Really? Enya? What the hell?”
The end makes ZERO, because
This is a tragic love story. That is absolutely the point of the entire plot. There is no getting around it. But what is the point of making it even more tragic? They added that stupid explanation about Your love must remain pure. And then they give Eric this massively contrived moment where he sees the villain possess Shelly and then she kills someone. And we’re supposed to believe Eric sees this and doubts Shelly? He already knows this guy is evil and that he’s capable of some kind of possession. The only reasonable reaction Eric can have is pity that the woman he loves has to live with what she did when she had no other choice. This is just stupid and serves no purpose other than to ensure that Shelly is alive and Eric is dead. How does this make the story better? “Oh, look at me. I’m a great writer for making a tragic story even more tragic,” said the dumb writer.
And besides, what kind of time magic are we supposed to believe that in the movie, basically nothing happens after Eric and Shelly are killed because the paramedics revive Shelly at the end but Eric is dead? Hello? Breaking news. That means the villain is still alive in this warped time mess you just created, and besides, he’s still trying to find and kill Shelly and now there’s no one to protect her.
A good line
I’ll give credit where it’s due. There was one good line in this entire movie. Shelly says to Eric, “If it’s ever hard to love me, try to love me more.” That’s great. This is a person/character who knows he’s human and can be difficult at times, and asks the person he loves to believe in him even when he’s not OK. Congratulations, you used a great line for a crappy movie.
Grade: F
About The Peetimes: I have two Peetimes. I think the second one is the best. It’s long enough and easy to summarize.
There are not additional scenes during or after the credits of The Crow.
| Rated: | (R) Gore | Drug use | Language | Sexuality/Nudity | Strong bloody violence |
| Genres: | Action, Crime, Fantasy |
| With: | Bill Skarsgård, FKA twigs, Danny Huston |
| Director: | Rupert Sanders |
| Author(s): | James O’Barr, Zach Baylin, William Josef Schneider |
| Language: | English |
| Country: | United Kingdom, France, United States |
Plot
In this modern reimagining of the 1994 cult classic The Crow, soulmates Eric and Shelly are brutally murdered. When Eric gets the chance to save them, he must sacrifice himself and traverse the worlds of the living and the dead in search of…
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