Dear Annie: I grew up with my mother. My father and I have always had a strained relationship. He is a recovering alcoholic. He says she wouldn’t let me see him, but I remember him forgetting my birthday, promising to visit me but not coming, telling me he was too busy. He once left me sitting on a doorstep, fully dressed for a father-daughter dance that he ended up not wanting to go to. My aunts and uncles told him he treated me terribly.
When I found out he lived near me a few years ago, I tried to repair the relationship. He seemed calmer, but I still had to approach him most of the time.
I’m planning my wedding. During the planning, he offered to pay for the venue. He paid the deposit but left me hanging for the rest and left me with a surprise bill. I thanked him anyway because I know he wanted to help and it was a gift.
Two months ago he stopped responding. I found out from someone else that he is mad because I didn’t want to do some of the traditional things of an American wedding, like being walked down the aisle by my father. I asked him before I made the decision and he said he didn’t care. Now he tells everyone that I used him for money and that I conspired to take away “his rights” and that he won’t come.
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I’m hurt and tired. When is it okay to give up on someone who is so okay trying to hurt me and tell everyone else how awful I am? — Disappointed daughter
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Dear disappointed daughter: Your father has constantly disappointed you. He sounds like a man who suffered severely from the disease of alcoholism. Now that he is sober, he is trying to make amends and expects you to forget all the pain he caused you when you were younger.
Remember that hurt people hurt other people and you are both very hurt. Of course, as a child you have a greater “right” to be hurt, but your father is still human and it hurts him that he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle.
Ask yourself if you can forgive him for all his neglect. You wouldn’t do it for him, but to free yourself from all the pain. If you are able to, then have an open and honest conversation with him about the past. At this point, it’s up to you how much you feel comfortable involving him in your wedding. But repairing the relationship will make both of you feel better. Good luck.
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