Dear Eric: My mother and her partner have been together for 20 years. This winter, my mother told me that, on the advice of their financial advisor, they would be getting married this year.
I have no issues or concerns about the man she is marrying, but since her reason is to get a financial “boost” for tax, insurance and trust fund reasons, rather than a desire to stay together for the rest of their lives, I am finding it very difficult to get into the mood for the wedding, which will consist of a small family ceremony followed by a reception with more than 100 invitees.
Given the occasion, it seems dishonest to hold a celebration of this magnitude. Any advice on how to find some joy in this event?
— Where is the love
Love Love: Think of it as an anniversary celebration.
We’ve all enjoyed attending weddings of young people whose marriages didn’t end up lasting 20 years. Why punish your mother and her partner for proving the concept before the cake was cut?
Look, I’m a romantic from the Nora Ephron school, but the fact is that marriage is a legal and financial institution that comes with a host of benefits, from tax breaks to hospital visitation rights to property and inheritance protection. Those are the benefits you get when you have a quickie wedding in Las Vegas with someone you met at the Caesars Palace buffet, or when you wait 20 years and have a backyard ceremony. That’s the way it is.
Remind yourself that their standard deductions don’t affect you, but the last two decades of their bond do. Otherwise, you’ll miss this one chance to celebrate the fact that they did something extraordinary and 100 percent for free: They found someone and loved them for a very long time.
Dear Eric: I have a three-year-old child with my ex-husband, with whom I currently have a very strained relationship. I recently had to get a restraining order against him because he attacked me when I went to pick her up from his house. Although there are cases of domestic violence in the past, I am very happy to be rebuilding my life without that history.
She still sees him every other weekend. I want her to be able to form her own opinion about him one day, and I don’t want my opinion to influence her thoughts. How can I continue to nurture her relationship with him if I really don’t believe he’s a good person?
— Conflict-ridden ex
Dear Conflicted: The best way to maintain the relationship now may be to reconsider the terms of your custody arrangement.
He can’t even pick someone up without physically assaulting them. This is not a safe joint custody arrangement and the blame is on him. You don’t have to clean up his mess.
Thank you for protecting yourself with the restraining order. Please continue to seek help. If you do not have the opportunity to consult with your attorney, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) offers a searchable database that will direct you to local legal resources.
Unless your ex gets the help he needs and begins to reconcile with you and your daughter, any relationship he develops with her will be unhealthy.
Over time, your opinion of him may not change. It will not be appropriate to vent to her, but your experiences are real and legally documented. Your feelings are valid. You can tell her the truth.
Dear Eric: I work at a small, amazing nonprofit. It’s not perfect, but it’s one of my favorite jobs ever, aside from a few coworkers who seem to complain endlessly about the smallest things.
Their behavior has caused other employees to feel judged; some have even quit because of it.
I will take every opportunity to praise the place highly, and if the symptoms get worse, I will simply leave the work area.
I’m so sick of it. This is truly a great place to work and it would be even better if we supported each other instead of falling into cliques and endless bickering. Do you have any suggestions on how to stop the endless (and sometimes toxic) complaining?
— I’m fed up with complaints at the water dispenser
Dear water cooler: Some people just love to complain about their work. I found myself tickling myself thinking what if the question about yours came from your coworker. “That person at my work is just SO POSITIVE…”
Try to talk to your colleagues face-to-face. Try to find out what their core problems are. Maybe they are complaining because they don’t feel able to make changes.
Or maybe they’re toxic idiots.
Ask a manager for help in changing the office culture. You don’t have to wave the Pollyanna flag all by yourself.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
