The most entertaining thing about Dating Naked UK is the little note I get in my inbox, solemnly declaring that the contestants of this nude reality show received psychological support during and after production as a matter of course. Great, fine, that’s the least you can do. The bare minimum, you might say. But it doesn’t stop there. “Strict hygiene and dignity protocols were in place during filming.” What’s not to like? Strict hygiene? Dignity Protocols? I can’t press the play button fast enough.

After watching the first episode, I’m wondering if I’m the one whose dignity protocols have been violated. The scenario is familiar to anyone who has even walked past a laptop, phone or TV screen in the last decade or so. A group of singles, mostly in their twenties, are struggling to find love through the apps. So they’ve all signed up for what looks like a very nice holiday in a villa in the sun, where they can leave the superficial world of swiping behind and find a relationship with more depth. There’s a twist, of course, because there always has to be a twist, and that twist is that they’re not wearing any clothes. That’s all.

For years, Naked Attraction was good entertainment, with people pretending they definitely had their eyes up and judging people by their hair, honestly. But after the couples were matched naked, they were sent out into the real world on their first dates, fully clothed. I’m not sure Naked Attraction was the romantic kind, though. After the “experiment” was over, you rarely heard of the couples reuniting.

So you could say Dating Naked is onto something: You have to be clothes-free the entire time, from meeting to match to date. And it has adopted one of Naked Attraction’s most endearing quirks. Here, as there, hugging is a nightmarish mess of physical contortions. In an episode of Drop It, Larry!, Larry David lays out the strict dignity protocols of a hug: “You have to move your butt back.” Watching these strangers meet for the first time, asking if it’s OK to cuddle, while trying to figure out how far the butt has to go back to be polite is like ballet. It’s almost beautiful.

Dating Naked was an American show where all the body parts not seen in swimwear were blurred out, and a German show where they weren’t. We sided with the Germans. For some reason, most people here act like they’re shocked that they’re naked while they strut around like happy naked peacocks. “I can’t believe I’m about to walk into this house naked,” says a woman who decided to appear on a TV show called Dating Naked. The man who wakes up one morning and simply screams, “We’re in a tropical paradise and we’re all naked,” is the most honest of them all. Maybe he had the original idea.

Everyone says they’re taking part in yet another TV love experiment because they’re sick of trying and failing at finding love the conventional way. No one has really managed to figure out how being naked fits into the picture. There are a few common sayings thrown around the villa as if trying to leave them hanging. (Don’t worry, strict hygiene protocols are in place!) One of them is that nudity makes everyone more vulnerable, and so they’re more likely to see each other for who they really are when everyone is naked. Another is that they can’t hide behind a personality based on their clothes. One contestant talks about how much he likes expensive cars and clothes, but in this house women might discover what kind of person he is. Imagine having no possessions, I wonder if you can, as John Lennon would sing – if he wasn’t too distracted by everyone else’s thong-shaped tan lines.

While riding a horse, a man remarks that it “feels like my balls are sticking to the saddle.” But hygiene rules aside, another semi-entertaining thing about Dating Naked is that it’s hosted by Rylan Clark, who remains clothed and only once says, “I feel a bit overdressed.” Otherwise, it’s one heavily contrived reality show ding-dong after another, as partnerships are thrown together and discarded faster than a cardigan at the door. In the grand history of nude TV shows, it may say something about me that I prefer Naked and Afraid. This, however, is a load of rubbish.