Despite the ability to study billions of samples, the science of how people are attracted to each other is a bit of a mystery. So many factors can come into play, from the attraction of the physical senses to intangible qualities that people can’t quite put their finger on.

What’s hot to one person isn’t hot to another, so sweeping generalizations about what’s attractive and what’s not don’t really work. However, there are social forces that portray certain qualities and behaviors as if they make someone more desirable, when in reality they have the opposite effect on most people.

Someone on Reddit asked women to name one thing that men find attractive that they actually find a turn-off. The answers offer a helpful guide for men who might need a little help with dating.

Here are the top answers to “What do men do that they find attractive but actually isn’t?”

Elevating oneself by belittling other men

“Putting down other men to improve their image in my eyes. This achieves the opposite of the desired effect.”

“I literally went on my first date last night with a guy who was talking about how stupid all his guy friends are. 😂 I was just sitting there thinking… dude I don’t think you realize what all this says about YOU because of the company you keep lmao.”

“That’s a big warning sign for a man. I’m a man and I can understand that.

My sister once told me, “When boys cheer each other on in front of a girl, it really turns a girl on.”

“On the other hand, I went on a few dates with a guy who spoke very positively about other guys he knew casually. He was a genuinely nice person who wished the best for everyone. He was also always so kind to anyone and everyone who came up to him. Some people are so cold and assume the worst of others (I get that, I live in a big city), but I was so impressed with how warmly he treated everyone, even when he had to gently redirect them or get them to move on. He was a genuinely good guy. People in the neighborhood adored him. Every woman had a huge crush on him. I saw girls constantly throwing themselves at him at the bar we often went to, lol. It didn’t work out for certain reasons, but I still think of him so fondly and respect him for his unconditional kindness.”

“On my first date with my now fiancé, he spent probably an hour talking positively about other men in his life during the first date conversation and that really attracted me to him. Our male bartender was really friendly and my guy said something like ‘guys like him always make my day, I hope I can be that way for others too’ and after that I was just blown away. He’s wonderful in all other areas too, of course, but I thought it was so sweet how affectionate and positive he was as a straight man towards other men.”

Putting down other women to compliment a woman

“If you suggest that I am better than other women, I assume that you either do not know how to compliment or that you are misogynistic.”

“Yep. ‘You’re not like the other girls’ isn’t the compliment you think it is, buddy.”

“When I hear that sentence, it sounds like ‘other women are smart enough to reject me, but I think I can get you.'”

“It’s like you just insulted a group that includes me and some of my favorite people in the world, and you expect me to take that as a compliment? That’s wild.”

“Ugh, a guy commented on one of my group photos “Looks like you’re the hottest girlfriend in the group 😍” and he didn’t understand why I was MAD at him, that’s so gross.”

“You are not like other girls”… my friend, I am a mixture of every girl I have ever liked or admired. I am Exactly like other girls.”

“If every girl you’ve ever dated has been ‘crazy’, then run away and don’t walk away from the situation…”

Boasting about success, money or sexual performance

“Boasting about how successful they are with women. That always seems desperate and not really credible.”

“I know a guy who saves every photo of every girl he’s ‘dated’ on his phone and brags about how he gets those girls. It’s so weird to have photos of girls you’ve ‘dated’ saved on your phone. The guy is obviously insecure too.”

“My ex, when I was still with him, said: ‘I could have any girl I wanted.’ This man is still single today and that was 7 years ago 🤣”

“This one guy bragged to me that he could last 10 hours… I was like, no thanks, bro, I like sleeping.”

“Boast about how much money you make or what you own.”

“Bragging about ANYTHING is so unattractive.”

Arrogance and the attempt to be an “alpha male”

“If they’re overly confident and ‘masculine’ – just be yourself! It’s okay to make mistakes or show your feelings, I honestly find those things endearing. And awkward guys are ADORABLE.”

“When they try to act cool. Nah. I like it when men feel comfortable enough to show their vulnerability.”

“They change their voice to make it sound stronger or alpha or something like that, lol”

“Some guy in 1947 misjudged the socialization processes of wolves and now I have to listen to some guy with no personality talk about why he is superior (plot twist: he is not).”

“I had a very attractive friend who knew this very well, and he would basically pose on the couch and wait for compliments… it was so disgusting.”

“There is such a thing as being too confident. And don’t order my food for me.”

“In a group, talk over people and always try to be the loudest/most dominant person in the conversation. This will make you seem like a rude asshole.”

“Conversely, from my observations, it seems to be an attractive endeavor to give the quiet people in a group space to be heard.”

Tries to start fights with other men

“Trying to start fist fights with other boys for stupid reasons.”

“Ugh, I was on my first date with a guy I’d worked with for a while (super chill and seemed nice) who noticed someone checking me out and asked me in the middle of eating if he should go over and screw the guy for me. Like, no, I want a second glass of wine? I hadn’t even really noticed. But my date and the meal, but at that moment I was 100% wasted and turned off. He spent the entire meal talking about how he would screw everyone up for me and it was deeply, deeply disturbing.”

“Hi, my name is Bob. I’m 36, a software developer, and I’m prone to violent outbursts.

…Two hours later:

Would you like to have a second date?

No, but I would like my first restraining order.”

“Violence is a major turn-off.”

“You know what’s fucking awesome? Defusing an argument. Exuding confidence, respect and control in a situation and having the tools to get through it. I love mediators, guys.”

“This is so true!!! Guys who keep everyone calm and relaxed are so attractive.”

Sending unsolicited offensive photos

“I don’t understand why they think a random, poorly taken picture of their penis is more convincing than charm and humor.”

“As a gay guy, I hear you there. I honestly didn’t understand what I was trying to say, and it was even worse when the person seemed normal and it came out of nowhere in the middle of the conversation.”

“An ex did this in random conversations, it actually made me want to vomit a little bit. I just ignored the message and carried on with the conversation.”

“I saw a joke recently that sums it up perfectly. Dick pics are like a dead mouse getting you a pet. I see you’re proud of that, but I’m not touching that.”

Of course, some women disagree and may even like some of these things, but in general, basic character traits like kindness, positivity and modesty, and a calm, mediating presence are much more desirable than the opposite. Some prominent male “influencers” will try to say otherwise, but if you want to know what women really find attractive, you should listen to women, not men who claim to know what women want.