Note: This column was originally published in 2021.
Dear Annie: I am a 70-year-old retiree with no children. My wife died in 2016 and we had a very happy relationship for over 28 years.
About three months after her death, I met a wonderful woman named “Sarah” who stole my heart. However, she had very strong religious beliefs that I just didn’t share. For a long time, she said that because of our differences, we could only be friends. Although she insisted that we could only be friends, I was still completely in love with her.
In the meantime, I was introduced to another lady, “Jill,” and we also initially agreed to remain just friends. So for several months, I went to the movies, sporting events, and concerts with Sarah two or three times a week, and with Jill on various days, also two or three times a week.
I didn’t tell Sarah and Jill about the friendly relationship I had with each other. In my mind, I told myself that I didn’t need to tell Sarah and Jill that I was seeing either of them because we were just friends. I knew that would be a recipe for disaster, but I continued to see both of them regularly. I’m very embarrassed to say that I wasn’t honest with either of them. (OK, I admit it: I told countless lies.)
As you might imagine, Jill and Sarah eventually found out about each other. Sarah said we couldn’t be just friends anymore and I had to make a decision. Jill basically said the same thing. The one I really loved was Sarah, although I did have a thing for Jill. However, in order not to hurt either of their feelings, I didn’t commit to either of them.
Sarah has blocked my emails, texts and cell phone calls. I called her once on her landline but she hung up immediately. Jill still tolerates me but she expects so much more from me than I can give. She expects marriage, total commitment and no conversations with other single women my age.
I hate myself for all the mistakes I’ve made and I just can’t stop thinking about Sarah. She broke up with me over a year ago and the pain is still very strong. I currently have low self-esteem, am depressed and wonder how I can find a reason to keep living. I go to a therapist and talk to him about my feelings. It helps a little but I still suffer.
I know I can’t change the past and I have to move on. I’ve made a lot of mistakes but that’s in the past and I can’t change anything right now. My question is: Can you recommend a book that will help me become a better person and recover from a broken heart? – Heartbroken Old Man
Dear Inconsolable: Please try to take the responsibility off your shoulders. Sarah has made it clear to you that she can only be friends with you. It’s not fair for her to torture you like that. You deserve to be happy. The real question is, have you grieved your wife properly? While a good book is always helpful, a widow’s grief group might help. Also, make time to meet with your therapist more than once a week as you heal. If it brings you comfort, I would do that.
How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner? is available now! Annie Lane’s second anthology – featuring popular columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation – is available in paperback and e-book. For more information, visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com. Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].
