We message our colleagues on Slack (WORK), post our political views and opinions on Twitter (TWTR), and share personal pictures on Instagram and Facebook (FB), but for many people, the thought of answering a ringing phone or having to call someone makes them feel sick.
Even though we spend most of our time within reach of our phone, many of us dread actually making a call or listening to voicemail messages. Arguably, the calling feature on your smartphone is one of the least used after messaging, email, and social media, as we find other ways to avoid speaking.
“Many people are afraid of phone calls, even those who have to use their phone regularly for work,” says Ruth Kudzi, author, mindset coach and coaching trainer with training in psychology and neuroscience.
Telephobia, the fear of talking on the phone, can also be an aspect of social anxiety. Fear that someone is being pushy, being unintentionally rude, or even that their voice sounds funny can prevent people from making a call.
“Many people panic when they hear the phone ringing and would rather text the caller later than answer it right away,” she says. “This could be because they are afraid of embarrassment, of being caught off guard, and are worried about what the call might be about or what they might spontaneously say.”
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For some people, the sound of their own voice can be unsettling and lead to anxiety about how they might come across. “This overthinking can then lead to rehearsing what you are going to say, and this leads to increased levels of anxiety and stress, which can trigger physical anxiety – sweating, shaky voice, stumbling over the words, which makes the experience not pleasant,” says Kudzi.
“If we have phone calls in our schedule that other people are planning, we may assume the worst case scenario, and that can cause feelings of anxiety when making phone calls,”
Kudzi says: “Psychologically, when we feel vulnerable, we often look at what we can control. And when someone calls us, we can’t control that. There is an element of surprise and that can increase feelings of anxiety.”
Much of our communication is based on nonverbal signals that can easily be overlooked when talking on the phone.
When you speak to someone in person who is stressed, anxious, happy or angry, you can usually tell by their body language – but it’s much harder to read people’s emotions just by listening to their voice. This uncertainty can add to the stress of a call. And if we’ve had negative experiences with phone calls, it can also cause us to associate talking on the phone with bad news, which triggers fear and anxiety.
Whether you’re calling your doctor or a client, calls are unfortunately sometimes unavoidable. And it’s perhaps something we should think twice about avoiding, especially during these times of isolation due to COVID-19 restrictions.
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According to researchers at the University of Texas at Austin, people too often choose to send an email or text message when a phone call would be more likely to give them the feeling of connection they so desperately desire.
Often, the outcome of a phone conversation is also far less negative than we think. In one experiment, Texas researchers asked 200 people to make predictions about what it would be like to get back in touch with an old friend by email or phone, and then randomly assigned them to actually do so.
Although participants intuitively sensed that a phone call would make them feel more connected, they still said they preferred email because they feared a phone call would be too awkward.
“When you actually experience it, people reported that they actually built a significantly stronger bond with their old friend on the phone than they did via email, and they didn’t feel any more uncomfortable doing so,” says researcher Amit Kumar, assistant professor of marketing at the McCombs School of Business.
So how can we challenge limiting ideas around phone calls – and make calling people less intimidating?
“Cognitive restructuring is about challenging beliefs and replacing negative thoughts with more truths and realities. Often times, the anxiety before the phone call is not what happens during the actual conversation,” says Kudzi.
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As with many anxiety-provoking activities, it’s important to start small. “Practice – call a family member or friend you know well and trust – get used to hearing your own voice out loud,” Kudzi advises. “Think about the outcome. What would be a good outcome for this phone call?”
It’s also helpful to be prepared if you’re the one making the call. Make a few notes about what you want to say or get out of the call. It can be helpful to have a few prepared phrases ready to start or end a conversation with.
“Listen to colleagues or friends when they are on the phone and learn from them,” advises Kudzi.
“And remember that you don’t have to answer every call. When we’re out and about and busy anyway, this can often increase our anxiety and the element of surprise.”
