Dear Eric: Our family attended the wedding of two long-time friends. We were part of a close-knit group of friends who helped each other through some difficult times over the years and shared holidays together.

Months ago, a mutual friend posted his invite in our little group chat, assuming we’d all gotten one too. But we hadn’t, prompting one of the brides to fire off private messages with convoluted explanations for the “delay” of our invites.

As the day approached, we began receiving logistical messages for the wedding. One of them was odd in that the list of recipients was not visible. “Shorts are welcome,” it said, because it was going to be very hot. Our family wore shorts. When we arrived, it became very obvious that no one else had received that memo. Not a single pair of shorts or casual wear anywhere. The brides greeted us politely but coolly.

As the wedding evening progressed, the insults became more and more obvious.

While a large group was dancing, including me, a bride loudly ordered me to stop dancing because this song was for her group of guests. She repeated her command three times, loudly and insistently.

Little insults were exchanged throughout the night. Too many to talk about without sounding petty.

Either we have misjudged these friends for years or we have done something terrible that we know nothing about. Our adult children are of the opinion that these people have always been cold-hearted. I still wonder what in the world I could have done to deserve this kind of treatment. Or better yet, what in my psychological makeup made me believe that such people were close friends?

– Mandatory guest

Dear guest, If these people really don’t like you, they will choose the strangest and most complicated way to show it to you.

OK, I’m going to write something that has nothing to do with you personally – because I don’t know you – so take it with a grain of salt.

Maybe these so-called friends just find you a little annoying and the hostility was mostly unintentional.

Sometimes the camaraderie of a large group of friends can have a halo effect that obscures individual relationships that are not so close. This does not justify cruelty, but it might explain some of the insults.

One thing is clear: your communication during and around the wedding was a mess. Try to be direct. Talk to others in your group. Did they have similar experiences at the wedding? Are they secretly angry with you? Don’t go into this direction to the point of obsession. Just have people you trust check you out to put your mind at ease or point out something you missed. And maybe rethink your holiday invitation list for next year.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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