Set your own goals. And let your children set theirs

Have you ever seen a parent lose control during a game?

“There is a lack of awareness, a lack of intention,” Virtue said. “The more aggressive and unfortunate situations are damaging to our children and their participation.”

One way to stay focused is to be clear about your intentions regarding your children’s involvement.

While I would love it if my son’s hockey team won a banner so his name could be seen hanging from the ceiling, that’s out of my hands.

My goal is for my kids to play sports, make friends, develop confidence, learn teamwork, and develop grit. They’ll never be pros. They probably won’t compete in college. And that’s OK. I’d much rather my kids develop a lifelong love of a sport than burn out before adulthood.

Your children can list their own goals, and their parents can encourage them when they achieve reasonable success. (For example, it might prove quite difficult to score a hat trick in every game.)

Keep the list on your refrigerator. That way, according to the Positive Coaching Alliance, you can refer back to it throughout the season to keep both of you focused on the bigger picture — especially if you’ve had setbacks.

Do what’s best for your family. Don’t worry about the rest.

You may be wondering if your child should play at the highest level possible or if staying in a recreational league is enough.

“You don’t have to do something just because everyone else is doing it,” says Dan Dvorak, director of strength and conditioning at Laurel School. “Don’t be afraid to take a break and make your own decision. Especially if it’s in your or your child’s best interest.”

Ask your children what they want to do, Udelf said. Ask them if they enjoy it.

Because that’s what it’s all about.

Be the bow. Maybe the quiver.

You are the bow and your child is the arrow, says Hudson Taylor, the founder of Athlete Ally, a nonprofit that advocates for LGBTQ+ equality in sports. Your job as a parent is to draw the bow and let the arrow fly. You can try to aim at the target A direct hit, but it cannot be controlled in the air.

Taking this metaphor a step further, you can also be the quiver, a safe home where the arrow can return after its flight.

Because every child needs a place to collect themselves and process their emotions after a hard-fought game. Help them cope with the highs and lows, whether they’re practicing their next “celli” (that’s the celebration after a goal), complaining about an unfair call, or crying about a strikeout.

When children are upset, it’s important for parents to stay calm, says Udelf. You don’t want your children to think they’ve failed as people – or that they’ve disappointed you.

“You want to teach them how to deal with disappointment,” he said. “Parents need to step back, take a deep breath and help the child move on.”

Parents shouldn’t try to fix the problem, he said. Instead, they should help their child learn a life skill, work hard and try again next year. And when kids get so upset that they threaten to give up, parents should remember that we all say things we don’t mean under pressure.

Timing is important. Let your children know you’ve listened to them and talk about it later.

Udelf warned that if parents also get upset, it would be like “trying to put out a fire with a can of gasoline.”

Do not criticize your children’s achievements

If your kids are having a bad game, they know it. Even though you try to help them constructively, you probably don’t need to point out every missed shot or bad pass.

My son prefers silence after hockey games. However, if your child likes to talk, try asking open-ended questions that elicit more than one-syllable answers. “What did you like most about the game?”

If you don’t know what to say, resort to this classic: “I love watching you play.”

Don’t criticize the coach to your children. Don’t criticize anyone else either.

Youth sports are an opportunity for kids to have fun, exercise and learn skills. It’s not about blame. It’s about promoting sportsmanship, not sore loser syndrome. It’s not about creating division.

Your children may not want to admit it, but you are their role model. So be a role model for good behavior. Don’t yell at the referee or correct another child’s behavior. Don’t boo. Don’t taunt.

Illustrate the values ​​and reinforce them when appropriate by talking to your child and helping him or her understand why it is important to treat everyone with respect.

The opposing team may talk nonsense, but isn’t it more important to let your game speak for itself?

Encourage your children to talk to their coach.

If you want your child to get more playing time, but your child hasn’t mentioned it, you probably shouldn’t bite your tongue. But if your child wants to play more, encourage them to talk to the coach directly. Ask the question together: “Coach, what can I do to get more playing time in games?”

“Often coaches feel that parents are overbearing and trying to fight for their kids,” Virtue said. “The best thing parents can do is encourage their kids to talk to coaches.”

Aha. Another life skill.

“They learn how to communicate with an adult,” Udelf said. “They don’t expect an authority figure to handle the situation.”

Take time to rest

Overexerting yourself or your child can lead to physical injury or mental stress. Experts say rest is an essential aspect of training. That could be a weekday evening off from training so the kids can run around the yard; a weekend camping with friends instead of competing in yet another tournament; or a few months off after a busy season.

“Two to three “Taking months off and participating in an alternative activity will not only help improve athleticism but also prevent overuse injuries and burnout,” Dvorak said.

Udelf agreed.

“Youth sports have gotten a little out of control because of time,” he said. “Nine- and 10-year-olds train more than professional athletes. In the major leagues, spring training is six weeks. For youth, it’s six months. It’s never enough… It’s important for parents to be aware of that and help their kids have a reasonable schedule.”

Do not push your children to specialize

Maybe you think your child will be a basketball superstar. Experts say it’s impossible to predict at age 8 or even 12 what sports your child will excel at or which teammate will be the best in high school, so you might as well play what you like and enjoy the ride.

“You can also do other physical activities for fun, such as hiking, climbing, biking or yoga,” Dvorak said. “Physical activity has a huge impact on health and well-being; it doesn’t have to be competitive. … The more variety, the better.”

Practicing different sports not only helps build different muscles, but also provides variety for the brain.

Different friends play different sports. Children can experience different types of competition: an individual race or a team game. Plus, playing multiple sports helps take the pressure off the main sport, says the Positive Coaching Alliance.

Your goal as parents is to raise competent, kind people, not sports superstars. Balance is key.

Laura Johnston, content director of Cleveland.com, writes weekly about life in her 40s in the column “Our Best Life.” Subscribe to the newsletter to get the column delivered to your inbox Friday morning. Or find her on Instagram @ourbestlifecle.