Happily married for 15 years, two kids. Saturday night around midnight, she was showing me some videos on her phone when she got a message notification. She quickly swiped it away even though we both saw it. I didn’t say anything but decided to go to bed (already a bit annoyed with the way she did it).

I asked who had texted her so late and she said, “I have no idea.” She told me to check and see if anyone needed anything. Then she said, “A colleague from my old job is asking why I’m up so late.” She had left that job 4 years ago. I said nothing, just drifted and pondered the matter for hours.

Yesterday we finally talked about it after I couldn’t even look at her. Of course my mind wanders. I asked when they last chatted and she said a few months ago and that they occasionally congratulate each other on promotions and such. Good.

But then I talked about how she blatantly lied to my face, even though she knew exactly who was texting her, and how it was hard to accept her as harmless given the circumstances. I stressed that I was deeply hurt to have been lied to in such an open and obvious situation. And now I’m wondering if it would be inappropriate for me to ask to see the history of their conversations?

I don’t think she cheated on me physically since she works from home and we both have pretty full lives and kids. But I would be devastated if she was having an emotional affair outside of our marriage.

So… would it be wrong if I asked to see her conversation? I don’t need to see her whole phone. Just this one. And taking it a step further, WOULD IT be wrong if I asked her to stop messaging this guy? I just think that anyone who contacts a married person at 12:15 am is just looking for trouble.

Help me. My mind is going in a million directions and I want to either A. know the truth or B. figure out how to fix this.

What do you think? WIBTA? Here’s what the top commenters have to say:

ladylynncogan said:

I don’t know the exact answer to your question. I do know that if anything like this had happened, and I knew my husband was worried, I would have already given him all the information that would have reassured him.

And OP replied:

I’m similar. If I know she’s suspicious or stressed about something, I’m an open book because I have nothing to hide. Most of what she finds are disgusting memes that she shares with coworkers and friends.

(deleted) said:

Her deviousness is telling. You should tell her you don’t like Vibe and give her another chance to spill the beans. If she doesn’t, I would ask her how she can be trusted if she has secrets.

And LousyOpinions said:

NTA. You need to see her phone and look for deleted messages. Warning: you probably won’t like what you find. And no, you can’t take no for an answer in this case.

**TO UPDATE**

I started the discussion with, “I have a question and a request for you, but given the current situation, it’s been on my mind.” … Then I asked if the conversation was still on her phone. As many have suspected, it wasn’t. She deleted it. Why? “Because I delete all old conversations.” Then I asked if I could see it, and she let me.

It was all done through Facebook Messenger, so I tried to find it in the archives, but it wasn’t there either. I asked her if she could click on the Messenger icon on his Facebook profile page, and she burst into tears because it was such a crappy situation. She vehemently denies any kind of inappropriate conversation, but admits there may have been some innocent flirting in the past (which is fine with me… people do it every day).

She also says she hasn’t exchanged messages since at least October. But it took a lot of effort for her to show me the phone, where I could potentially find more. I even told her that if I didn’t see it, I would assume the worst and probably look for another place to stay.

I’m not sure how to proceed from here. Trust is at an all-time low right now. And while I feel sorry for her being an emotional wreck, it’s a situation she put herself in, so I don’t have any undue sympathy for it. I wish there was another way to retrieve FB Messenger conversations, but as many have said, that probably hasn’t existed for a long time.

I expect we have a long road ahead of us. I’ve already suggested some sort of counseling. It’s too bad that for most of our relationship we were almost completely drama free and barely argued. And this is a HUGE bump (more like a crater) in our road.

I still don’t believe she ever cheated on me physically. And her guilt and emotions lead me to believe she’s telling the truth about emotional infidelity as well. We’ll see! Only time will tell. Thank you all for the advice and insight. I hope the updates are positive and few and far between, if any.