There are times in long-term care when our work becomes more than just personal. Personal life and work can collide in profound ways. Navigating this time is a dance that no one really knows how to lead.

In my 20+ years in this field, I’ve noticed a few things. When we work in communities that are dedicated to creating the best atmosphere possible for people, it can be especially difficult when “those people” are “my people.” When someone we love moves into our communities, we are on high alert.

I have had this experience myself for several years and I have also noticed that my colleagues cope well with it, even when they have difficulties.

My grandparents moved to Friendship Haven without seeing it before and lived in our apartments before moving to our health center. Our health center was their final home and although they left us at different times, each experience taught me more about myself, more about our work and how much it matters to those we serve.

There are other areas — schools and hospitals, for example — where worlds obviously collide, but I think our area is unique. There is no playbook, no right way to advocate for loved ones while also serving as a leader and trying to balance all perspectives.

I want to offer some simple advice if a loved one has come to the long-term care facility where you work. Particularly if your loved one has been traveling through areas of your campus and is nearing the end of their journey.

Let’s assume the community you work in is deeply committed to employees and understands that life and end-of-life affect us all. If these values ​​aren’t embedded in your culture, the following advice may not make sense.

1. Decide immediately if you are the right person. Just because you work there doesn’t mean you know everything and/or have to make all the decisions. You’re easy to reach, sometimes right down the hall, but that doesn’t mean you’re always on call. If you’re not the first point of contact, leave the responsibility to the first point of contact. Don’t just show up and make decisions because it’s convenient.

The lesson for leaders: Sometimes it’s okay not to be in control.

2. Be prepared to see things you haven’t noticed before. If your loved one is in need of care themselves, you may see things differently. As a leader, be open to this experience. While it is very personal, it is also insightful.

My grandma, for example, always wanted her purse. Before my experience with her, as the family’s administrative assistant, I would have professionally said, “We should lock her purse away” or “She won’t need it here.” How naive of me. My grandma’s purse was her identity. She kept her playing cards in it for an impromptu game of canasta, her extra handkerchief (her everyday handkerchief was folded up in her shirt sleeve), her candy – things that made her who she was.

Lesson for leaders: Sometimes “things” are absolutely important.

3. Think carefully about how you spend your time. I’d like to say there’s a clear answer to that. In my experience, it’s different for everyone. Some teammates can “pop over” for a few minutes during the day and then get back to work. Other teammates couldn’t. An hour-long visit turned into half a day. You get guilt about not spending enough time with mom or not spending enough time at work. For people who don’t work in our field, it might feel a little cleaner. For us, the lines can blur since we’re so physically close.

Lesson for leaders: Think carefully about how you use your time.

4. There is no right or wrong way. Let go of the idea that you “should” do things or feel things the way you “should.” We often see people in life transitions in our work. Just because we see this regularly doesn’t mean it isn’t extremely challenging when it happens to you. Don’t apologize for your feelings, your absence from the office, or even the emotions you display at work. Your emotions are entirely your own.

Lesson for leaders: Vulnerability is a sign of strength.

5. Let your colleagues love you. There will be plenty of check-ins, hugs, and support. Embrace it. Let it carry you. This is why you are in this field. We are in the business of love. We love all of our families, including yours. This may be the time when our field shines brightest, as we care for families who are suffering. Just because you work there doesn’t mean you shouldn’t receive that kind of love and support. Lesson for leaders: You don’t have to be strong all the time.

This blog might bring me a little closer to reality. As I write this, I feel reaffirmed in the work we do. It’s not just a business, it’s life. What an enormous responsibility we have in long-term care. There are certainly challenges and problems that need to be solved every day.

Personally, as a granddaughter and as CEO, I can say without a doubt that we are doing a good job. At the end of life, balancing work and life is a beautiful dance if you allow yourself to hear the music.

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Julie Thorson received the 2018 LeadingAge Dr. Herbert Shore Outstanding Mentor of the Year Award. She currently leads LeadingAge Iowa’s Leadership Academy. She is a LeadingAge Academy Fellow and former trainer. Thorson is the head coach (President and CEO) of Friendship Haven, a life planning community in Fort Dodge, IA, and a coach’s daughter at heart. She was formerly a part-time nursing home social worker, is now a licensed nursing home director, and is a graduate of LeadingAge’s Leadership Educator Program.

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