Nobody wants that

Bat Mitzvah Crashers

Season 1

Episode 10

Editor’s Rating

4 stars

****

Photo: Saeed Adyani/Netflix

Okay, let’s go over Morgan and Joanne’s makeup, because you could pretty much tell how it would be received. Our very tall weirdo Sasha is pretty cute even when he’s trying to be tough, and he would never keep that to himself!

When Noah forbids him from telling him any gossip (no joke! He doesn’t know how juicy that is!), Sasha decides to stop; He has to tell Morgan. “I need a sweet release from these chains!” He tells her while he is on the phone with Joanne in the room. (She’s there to record a podcast, not because she wants to be.) Her cover had been blown the whole time; Rebecca lied. Good for Joanne, she immediately apologizes. I mean, Morgan makes her do it again, this time on her knees and more sincerely, but she does it. She tells Morgan that not only is she sorry for what she said, but that she is also a great business partner and her best friend. She loves them. A cause that is really close to my heart Nobody wants that is that, unlike many other series, the characters here admit their mistakes pretty quickly. Nobody is perfect, but at the end of the day everyone has that. It’s refreshing! Like Sasha, I enjoy the sweet release from the shackles that come with watching people go out of their way to maintain a lie, or the problems that arise from misunderstandings that could be solved with a simple conversation. This show gives us the easy conversations. Very refreshing.

It’s actually perfect timing, because when Morgan learns that it’s not just Rebecca trying to destroy her sister’s relationship with Noah, but that it’s his entire family and they’re all currently at a bat mitzvah together, Morgan has exactly no time for this crap. They go to bat mitzvah, no one but her fucks her sister!!

Poor Miriam. We already know she hates her bat mitzvah theme (Miriam Take A Bite Out of the Big Apple) and her dress (hideous), and we know Bina is the boss here, but no one said: Can we cool it down with the giant basket of apples that our little 13 year old daughter is supposed to carry through the crowd? Nobody needs that. Of course she stumbles. Of course, we later find her upset in the bathroom, cutting her dress into something halfway cute. (Luckily, her mom is more than happy to help her at this point.) Today is supposed to be Miriam’s day, guys!

Fall isn’t all that bad. I mean, it’s definitely embarrassing, but right after she gets up, Joanne and Morgan come bursting through the doors all dressed up, and I guess no one has ever seen blonde women in dresses because everyone looks at them in awe. Strange if true! And while that’s Miriam’s thing, and I rightly clapped when Noah told her she’s growing up today, it’s not as mind-blowing as it sounds, because “it turns out that most of the time it’s just about “To cancel meal plans,” and that’s so true it hurts, we’re really here to wrap things up with Joanne and Noah.

Joanne has big news: After brunch with her friends and about thirty seconds of Googling, she’s decided to convert to Judaism. If Nobody wants that Since there is a second season, which I have no objection to, I hope we flesh out Joanne’s character. Sometimes she reads like a deeply passionate, smart, Type A person, and sometimes she’s just the opposite. Her speech to Noah about wanting to be a part of his world and doing anything for him is very romantic, but couldn’t she have done a little more research? If Noah is understandably excited about that – hey, men really can have it all! – says that she really wants this for herself too, right, and that she’s “committed to the spiritual journey” that will come with it, and of course Joanne looks scared. She didn’t think any of it through! However, she walks right up to Bina and hugs her, letting her know that she’s “not going anywhere,” and honestly, Bina was expecting that.

However, the best “actually fuck you” moment undoubtedly comes when Morgan bumps into Rebecca and asks her if she’s ready Where the crayfish singthe book she was reading at the bar, and when she says no, Morgan replies, “Great, um, Kya’s the murderer, so…” and skips away. This is master level bitching and I bow at Morgan’s feet.

Joanne seems to be having a great time at Bat Mitzvah, storming the dance floor with her sister, playing Hava Nagila, and slow dancing with her husband while he completely bombards her with what converting to Judaism will mean for him is simple so completely, insanely happy. But a few things happen and the evening takes a turn.

Joanne notices Rebecca is upset and leaves. She tracks her down outside the party, seemingly to see if there’s a fence to repair, or perhaps she just senses Rebecca’s hurt and wants to be friendly. Whatever it is, I love this Nobody wants that gives Rebecca this moment. It allows her to be much more dimensional. She’s not a bitter woman desperate to get married; She is someone who had dreams and hopes for the future and they were all destroyed. She apologizes for lying to Morgan; this wasn’t her, even though it felt good. “You’re the opposite of what he always wanted,” she tells Joanne. Rebecca is simply confused about how someone like Joanne would fit into Noah’s life. When she tells Joanne that marriage to the Chief Rabbi brings with it a whole host of responsibilities, responsibilities that Joanne hasn’t even begun to think about, she’s not being cruel; she is honest. Joanne seems overwhelmed by all the pressure. “It should feel like a good squeeze, you know?” Rebecca tells her. It should feel like an honor and a privilege to represent the Temple and be the Chief Rabbi’s wife, but Joanne doesn’t understand any of it. “I hope it’s what you want,” she says before walking away. Again, none of this is mean or spiteful; She is the only person who tells Joanne the truth about this big decision she is making. It’s not all about romance and joy, and it will be difficult too.

Right after that conversation, Joanne sees Noah talking to Rabbi Cohen, who basically tells him that the board has to approve yes, but he basically already has it in the bag. She sees how happy Noah is – his lifelong dream is coming true. She has to pull him aside.

It always felt like we were getting some version of this conversation at the end, but that doesn’t make it any less sad or tragically romantic. Just hit me right in the heart, Bell and Brody! Joanne loves Noah (and he loves her too), but because she loves him, she cannot convert. She’s not ready yet and she doesn’t know if she ever will be. Desperate, he tells her that they can slow down and that he doesn’t want to lose her. “You need me to be something I can’t promise I can be. If I hesitate even a little bit, your whole life explodes. That’s not fair to you.” It’s very mature and sincere. Would any of her podcast listeners ever believe she was having this conversation?

Joanne tells Noah something he already knows: he can’t have it both ways. He can’t have her and his dream job, his dream life. “And I would never force you to choose,” she tells him before leaving and ordering him not to follow her.

It was supposed to be the happiest night of Noah’s life. Word gets out that he will definitely get the job and people congratulate him. When his father sees him sadly dismissed at a table, he reminds him that “this is what you’ve wanted all your life”, he should be proud and excited. But you can see it all over my husband’s face: Maybe this isn’t the dream anymore. Maybe something (someone!!) else has become a dream. I don’t care how cheesy this is, friends; I fucking live for the thrill at the end of a romantic comedy, okay? Give me that! You know he will go to her!!

Joanne takes the shuttle to the parking lot in tears. At one point she thinks he followed her, but it’s a rando kid. It’s really over, she thinks.

But Noah is waiting for her in the parking lot. NOAH IS WAITING FOR YOU IN THE PARKING LOT. Of course she wanted him to follow her, but she still has no idea how that could ever work. “You’re right,” he tells her, “I can’t have it both ways.” And then he takes her and kisses her and it’s so incredibly good. Guys, she could get pregnant! I could get pregnant! He can’t have it both ways and he chooses her.

This ending is perfect because if that’s all we get from Joanne and Noah’s story, then it’s a satisfying conclusion. But it also 100 percent represents a second season – so much would come from this turn of events. We’ll have to wait and see. For now, I’m going to make it my mission to rewind to all the kissing scenes, because I’m sad to say that no one kisses like Kristen Bell and Adam Brody. That may be a strange statement (it definitely is), but I stand by it.