The most predictable news in the most unpredictable presidential campaign in history is that Kamala Harris has declined to attend the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation’s annual dinner in New York next month.
This historic Catholic fundraiser has always been a rare moment of genuine hilarity, especially in election years when candidates from the two major parties traditionally poke fun at each other with mocking speeches.
But not this time.
Harris told organizers that she would not be present because she needed to focus on her campaign.
Oh, give me a break!
The Al Smith Dinner has always been a great opportunity for candidates to show that they can laugh at themselves and raise millions for charity – all in front of a large television audience of potential voters.
The only reason to reject it is fear.
Kamala won’t be there because she’s genuinely terrified of being trapped outside her robotic teleprompter comfort zone and at the mercy of Donald Trump’s wild, testy humor, which he used to such comical effect against Hillary Clinton at the same dinner in 2016.
Not only is Kamala’s avoidance of this cowardly, it says a lot about her character that she finds the idea of being comically pilloried so terrifying. But that’s not entirely surprising, given how staunchly she refuses to submit herself to proper scrutiny in media interviews.
However, I see no reason why she should escape the criticism she deserves, so here is the speech Trump might have given had Kamala not canceled:
“Good evening, it’s great to be here in front of what I’m told is the largest audience this event has ever had, and tickets sold out faster than Kamala threw Joe Biden under a bus after my debate with him.
“And boy, does it love to sell itself. Just ask the fracking industry!”
“I’m not saying my opponent is a Kama, Kama, Kama, Kama, Kama chameleon, but if you’re wondering why she showed up so late tonight, it’s because she takes so long to put makeup on both of her faces.
“I haven’t seen such a phenomenal change of heart since Meghan and Harry left the royals because they were sick of being royals and then they could make money off of being royals by badmouthing the royals!
“Wow, Kamala is giving me the same death stare that Crazy Nancy gave Sleepy Joe when he was trying not to fall on his sword. I hope she got searched on the way here because judging by the look on her face, I’m scared she might use that weapon on me that no one knew she had until last week when she tried to woo the NRA crowd by bragging to Oprah that she was Rambo’s little sister.
“One thing is for sure: given her views on abortion, she won’t be trying to kill me with that speech until I’m full term pregnant. So you can all relax for a few minutes.
“Of course I’m kidding. It’s not like she was laughing about my death when she was on the Ellen show.
“I thought Kamala would find all my jokes hilarious tonight and regularly let out this insane Joker-like giggle at completely inappropriate moments.
“But she still stares at me like I’m Janet Jackson.
“I don’t know why Kamala doesn’t like political jokes – she’s been one herself for years!
“President Biden was apparently supposed to come, too, but he couldn’t remember what day it was. He also can’t remember that he’s still president, which is not surprising since so few other people remember that either.
“Speaking of Joe, I really admire Kamala for the ruthless way she stabbed him in the back. Frankly, the way she publicly encouraged him to keep running and told everyone how sharp he was until he was exposed as an unelectable zombie in that debate and had to withdraw so late in the race that only she could take over, made Judas Iscariot look like Mr. Loyalty.
“Kamala grabbed the nomination crown with the same greedy, self-righteous claws that Tim Walz used to grab a fake military heroic feat when he thought it might enhance his reputation.
“I would like to thank the chef for our delicious meal tonight, although I found the Kamala word salad very hard to digest and frankly did not understand what on earth I was eating. I can only imagine what was relieved by what was in my mouth and whether my intestines will now stand the test of time.
“I would have much preferred a Big Mac from McDonald’s, where Kamala supposedly worked without anyone remembering it. It’s a desperate attempt to show fake sympathy for everyday Americans who can barely afford a burger due to the rising inflation forced upon them under the Biden administration. Does she think we all fell off a McDonald’s coconut ice cream machine?
“Kamala says it’s time for Americans to turn a new leaf and take a new path, away from division and lies – but we’re all still stuck on the same pages of HER book, co-written with Joe Biden. And what a work of fiction it is!
“She has reversed course on everything from fracking and decriminalizing illegal immigration to defunding the police, a national health care system and mandatory gun confiscation.
“And she claims I want a nationwide abortion ban, that I would implement the project in 2025, that I warned of a bloodbath if I didn’t win the election, and that I praised the white supremacists in Charlottesville – but none of that is true.
“She has also called me a lying, deceitful, immoral, democracy-threatening disgrace who must be stopped – and it is this kind of inflammatory rhetoric that recently led to two people trying to assassinate me.
“While it’s great to see you here tonight, Kamala, I want to close by saying this: If you are the voice of change, of honesty and of unity, then who the hell is to blame for what has happened over the last four years?”
