The National Football League rarely displays a sense of humor on any subject, largely because the people who run the sport are 74 and soon to be 103. People that old and rich rarely find fun, and even more rarely are they amusing. Any attempt by this cohort to understand what less self-conscious and near-death people find funny would, ironically, be quite amusing.
So the news is that Derek Carr, who takes the FDA’s most effective over-the-counter cold remedy, is being fined $14,000 for a) celebrating the New Orleans Saints’ game-winning fifth touchdown in their 44-19 win over the Dallas Cowboys and b) using a classic Michael Jackson dance move in the process.
Never mind the move itself, which the Associated Press described in appropriately matter-of-fact language as follows: “Carr swings his raised right knee before placing a hand in front of his groin and thrusting his hips forward.” That’s just the NFL’s technical way of getting to Carr’s wallet, and not worth much analysis. The truth is: Someone in the league office asked the rhetorical question, “Can we stop uncool people from stealing dance moves from someone who’s been dead for 15 years, and who else would be 66 years old?” and then answered his own question with a cheery “How can we not?” For a league that’s currently going all-in on Taylor Swift and just hired Kendrick Lamar for the Super Bowl halftime show, the demographics surrounding Carr’s stuffy old dance move are completely out of place. It’s like performing a minuet after covering a third and two attempt from your own 37-yard line.
To Carr’s credit, he’s been true to himself, which is to say he’s been unaware of his contemporary surroundings and blissfully stranded in a 1987 of his mind. Despite playing his entire career in vibrant entertainment cities — Oakland, Las Vegas and now New Orleans — Carr celebrates the Saints’ high-energy start in the most dated and defiant form imaginable. Even if you want to give Michael Jackson a free pass here for his past merits (your own musical experience may differ), Carr has stolen his crotch grab from the far superior former Bill, Seahawk and Raider Marshawn Lynch, which is not only the most atonal form of cultural copyright infringement, but also an almost equally dated reference. Jackson is dead and Lynch is a character actor, neither of them what you’d call innovative.
Still, it would be a nice break from form if Troy Vincent, who is in charge of things Roger Goodell doesn’t care about, would simply say, “Michael Jackson. He stole a move from Michael Jackson. If we could take away his entire game check, that would be totally justified. Derek Carr spends enough time watching videos for his day job, he can certainly spend a few minutes on TikTok and come up with something that doesn’t quite make us look like the old idiots we are.”
Vincent won’t do that, of course, because this is the NFL, but this would be a better explanation for the league’s financial confiscation policy — the CBA’s no-fun provision — than “Carr grabbed his wedding tackle in the least lewd gesture since the death of Queen Victoria.” But facts are facts. Carr may have felt wronged in his time with the Raiders and is just displaying his usual cheesy exuberance; he claims the offensive grab was the fulfillment of a promise he made to his brothers because he does the trick at family weddings and stuff and they’ve been pressuring him to use it in a game. And it makes sense that he’d be comfortable, considering he’s currently on the first team that doesn’t seem dead set on ruining him, or at least hasn’t figured out how to do that yet. But even here in the American Dead House, there have to be entertainment standards. Besides, if Carr wants to do it old-fashioned, let him do it old-fashioned. At least the Jackson family wouldn’t be so ashamed.
